*Grave Natters

Disposition of Remains

2010-08-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends! Today’s topic is “Disposition of Remains”. This is the legal way of referring to how a body is cared for after death. ( i.e., transportation, embalming, burial, cremation, etc.) If you’re familiar with my writing, you know that I have made other observations of our cultural climate of ‘rampant professionalism’. Most people think they have no choice about this set of procedures…or don’t want to be the one to make these determinations. So the choice and implementation of these options is most often given over to a Funeral Director. But… if a family chooses a home funeral, then in nearly all states,(there are 7 holdouts) a friend or family member can preside over the process. Most states in which this is true have laws that determine the ‘statutory preferences of family members for this role.’ That means there’s an order or “chain”, of relatives who are legally “in line” for the job. This may be fine with you—or it may not. Each family is different. If your choice isn’t in line with the state’s, you can circumvent this by planning ahead-- choosing the person you want to be in charge, NOW. Before you die. Be advised though, that in order for this to happen, a legal form that names the chosen person should be filled out and kept on file.

Are You “Good to Go”?

Today as I was updating things on my website, I noticed that the links to some of the information were no longer active—and that the forms I was intending to share have become inexplicably more difficult to find, at least in my state (Oregon). So I thought I would do everyone the service of linking them to this article. First, the one I refer to above, for those of you wanting to have your close friend or non-traditional partner act as your ‘funeral director’ - i.e. preside over a home funeral- in the event of your death. This form is buried deep in the bowels of the “.leg.state.or.us….” website, sandwiched between lots of legalese detailing the hierarchy of relatives to whom your body disposition rights revert in the absence of a document like this. The document is not offered in pdf or word form on the site, and the text is formatted strangely. You'd really have to work to find this and then put it into a usable format. Why? Well, I don’t know… but don’t worry; I’ve done it for you.

Fill It Out Now!

It’s easy! I made it into a PDF you can download, print and fill in. Appointment of Person So no excuses—Go do it now. Grab two witnesses, get them to sign it, and put it in with your other papers regarding your death plans. “What other papers?” you ask. Well, papers like your Death Certificate Worksheet. What’s that, you ask? It’s a list of all of the information needed to fill out a death certificate. States are pretty darn picky about how these forms are filled out, so doing this yourself now can save lots of time and stress on your loved ones when you die. Most of this information is known by you. It’s collected and used for the census, (why we need to be intruding on a family’s time of mourning, in order to collect census information is another question…but that’s how it is right now). I’ve given you Oregon’s worksheet here; you can find a link for Washington’s on the “Resources” page of my website under 'Legalities'…residents of other states will need to do a bit of sleuthing on your state’s “.gov” website. Try looking in ‘funeral law’ –or try the Department of Human Services or Vital Records in your state.

Estate Law

While looking for this information, I found the Oregon State Bar Association’s newsletter with a very helpful section on “Disposition of Remains”(excerpt). You might want to print this out as well -or at least read it thoroughly. I like that it’s pretty clearly worded.

Exit Plan

I’m just going to make the case here (again!) for talking about death-in-general, and our own death-in- particular, ahead of time. Do some actual preparation before the fact. We do so much other kinds of ‘planning ahead’…but when it comes to death, we’re strangely superstitious. Our minds say something like; “if I plan ahead, it’ll happen sooner”. As if we’re ‘inviting it’ or something! It’s an interesting phenomenon. I mean. I’m not immune, there are some things I find myself a bit superstitious about too; I’ll admit it right here. For instance, someone recently shared a little internet ‘game’ with me called the ‘death clock’. You plug in a simple set of information and it “calculates” your “Death Day”. I have to say, I didn’t do it! That fell into the ‘not tempting fate’ category for me. But that’s a bit of pop culture…with no real relevance to the actual ‘nuts and bolts’ of a death occurring. As far as the real stuff…like that form I gave you the link to? I’ve got mine on file. Signed and witnessed.

Doing these ‘nuts and bolts’ tasks opens the door to other levels of contemplation. I might write my own obituary again. I’ve done one before and it’s an interesting exercise! You might spend some time choosing music you’d like to have played, or poems you’d like to have read at your funeral. You could imagine it like planning a really nice party for all of your friends. You want them to laugh, to cry, to be moved, to share some nice food and drink, to tell some good stories… and to send you off into (wherever it is we go when we die) in a style consistent with your whole life.

What do you think? Will you make a notebook and start your own “Exit Plan”?
Let me know! Participate in the conversation by commenting on this posting using the link below.

Until next time…
~ Marian

This is the feature article from the E-Zine of a Fine Farewell . We post there twice a month, with additional information included in this blog, where you are free to leave comments. I invite you to subscribe. here
Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

Images are used under creative commons licensing through Flickr shares - listed in order from top to bottom: PineGroveCemetery_byKevinDooley, the queue_by Marfis75, paperwork_by Anniebby, Exit?_by Konstriktion. Inclusion of images in no way implies endorsement by photographers of AFineFarewell.

Behind the Mask of Death

2010-08-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

Today I want to let you know I'm going to run my increasingly popular class; "Behind the Mask of Death" again on September 18th from 1-5! If you have heard of this and wanted to attend, here's your chance. If you haven't heard of it and are curious, the details are below.

I want to tell you that my intention with all of my classes and workshops is to create more safe and sacred opportunities in which to contemplate our thoughts and feelings about death. That is my passion, my calling and my joy.
I've been a ritual guide for over 25 years and an artist most of my life. This workshop combines the two to illustrate one of my favorite maxims: "Use Art to make Ritual...and Use Ritual to make Art"™. To this end,we use collage techniques, and I provide simple mask shapes so there's no 'artistic training' necessary. There's real possibility for healing, for transforming fears and regrets, and for experiencing deep peace around the death of someone you love. When we take the risk to look 'behind the mask', and we're sitting in sacred space together, witnessing and supporting each other, amazing things can happen. Deep truths are accessed when we simply give our minds and hearts the space to open up and be with the discomforts of facing death. Anger, mirth, curiosity, grief, yearning, despair, all these and more combine to create a whole that is infinitely greater than the sum of its parts.

Quoting from my flier:....
"In sacred space, we’ll invoke the power and mystery ‘behind the veil’, and make our own simple masks that reveal what our Wise Self believes about the transition we call Death. Then we’ll journey together, following the sound of the gongs, and return with a gift from the beyond. Sitting in circle, we become a council of beings who have grown more curious, and less fearful, about the transition we call Death. In closing, we’ll witness and share the gifts of insight we have received."

I hope you're intrigued. Find more information and register HERE.

I'd love to take the journey with you! Bye for now...~Marian

This Mortal Coil

2010-08-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

"If you're really paying attention, you have to learn to live each moment with a broken heart." ~Catherine Ingram

Well I’m still rolling with this theme of ‘arising and passing’. It’s been good to keep my attention on this and I’m glad for the boost that writing about it has brought to my everyday awareness. So here is the continuing saga of ‘all things must pass…’

This week, I’ve been blessed with what has been an annual event for the past 4 or 5 years… the blooming cycle of a kind of African lily that I have in a pot outdoors. I have managed to transport to and enjoy this in my last 3 homes. You can see in the picture… it’s a lovely 6 petaled orange flower, it’s not more than 2 inches across, it produces a liquid nectar that bees and wasps like, and it has freckles (like me!). This plant has become a wisdom teacher for me...because these flowers that I find so pleasing bloom for just one day. That’s it. One day.

Be Here Now
When this time of year comes, and the first one opens, I know I’m ‘in school’ for a couple of weeks of this profound daily lesson. I always think, "They’d make such a beautiful bouquet! I want to collect them! I want to bring some to my friend! I want to see a bunch of them blooming all at once!" Instead what happens is that, one at a time, a bud will swell early in the day (depending on how sunny it is), and fling itself open (I’ve never caught that moment), hang from the stem with it’s nectar glistening in the remaining sunlight, and then start to close up after dark. During the night the motion continues. They fold up in the most pleasing and ‘deliberate’ way… The petals shrink and spiral around each other to form a swirling coil. You can see this in the second picture. The first time this happened, I thought "Wow, are they just going to sleep for the night?" But they didn’t open again the next morning - all that elaborate beauty and function, for such a short time.
What’s funny to me is that even though I know about this plant behavior, every year I still want each bloom to stay open longer! I can’t help it…even though I know the cycle by now, I still catch myself feeling ‘sad’ if I ‘miss’ one (I even stopped just now to go outside and look at ‘today’s blossom’!) The knowing of it sets up a whole train of thinking in this mind that wonders how to get ‘more’ of the flower, and feels sad and a bit anxious, even, about missing one of them. It’s subtle, but I can feel it. It’s that place of ‘clinging’ that I keep examining. I’m clinging to something, craving something. Such a human feeling, this wanting, craving, yearning.
But look…the thing I am craving is right here in front of me! Something I already “have”. The flower is right here - right now! This habit of my mind cracked me up the first time I realized it. I was in the middle of an incredibly joyful experience of singing with a group of women, and I could feel the subtle quiver of anxiety, those little cracks in the heart that come from knowing something won’t last. I saw myself enjoying something so much that I began craving it and though "Huh?"

Constant Craving
Watch yourself sometime with this in mind. See if you can catch the moment when that utterly pleasant sensation of enjoyment slips over into clinging / craving. Can you notice your mind making little strategies to prolong, or remember every detail, or preserve the experience? (I think this is why the camera was invented!) Can you notice, like me, that in the middle of enjoyment, instead of just being completely IN the moment, we’re already starting to think of it ending? The comical, paradoxical result of this mental scrambling is that we are actually missing something- a person or an experience…while it’s here!

That is the essence of the mind that clings, isn’t it? The discomfort with the knowledge that something we love or like or enjoy is going to end. How to live with the knowledge of endings without letting that knowledge make us whiny or clingy or bitter? How to live in each moment, holding the broken heart and the full heart simultaneously? We get hundreds of opportunities to practice this every day. If we keep practicing, getting really good at this kind of presence, facing death has got to be easier. And that’s a great reason to keep practicing.
Okay, back to my flower….(which, yes, I did take pictures of for this article!) But Hey, wait! This flower really does only last for one day! It’s extra glamour is its ‘limited engagement’! Hah! Kind of like people! We’ve all got a ‘limited engagement’ here. What do we do with it? I could say we’re like this flower…we fling ourselves open, blaze our colors for one glorious ‘day’ and then curl into a spiral coil and send our energy back into the earth.

A coil! That word used to signify the troubles and stresses of daily life…its trials and suffering. Shakespeare's Hamlet spoke of death as ‘shuffling off this mortal coil’. And that’s what everyone does - everyone we love, everyone we don’t love, and yes, even us. Some day we just give our little shrug and off comes the ‘mortal coil’. So here I am again asking… is it okay to just know that (everyone - you, me, all of us) we’re all going to die? Can we feel the heart break of that and, at the same time, take comfort in the reliable rhythm of it?

Don't Forget to Laugh
Last time I said ‘It’s okay to Cry’… now I’m going to offer that it’s okay to laugh, too. They’re both good for letting go. My friend Gene Burnett is a singer/songwriter who also teaches Tai Chi in Ashland, OR. He says in his funny, witty, irreverent song “We’re All Gonna Die”…”we’re all headed for the soil, when we shrug this mortal coil”. If your heart could use a little irreverent push into laughter, listen to his song here.**

** Adult language warning: The media link to Gene Burnett's song "We're All Gonna Die!" is hosted on his YouTube channel. Gene Burnett is a multi-faceted artist and writer. Some of the content available on his related videos list contain adult language and themes; watch at your own risk.

Til next time…
~Marian

As ever, I enjoy hearing from you. What are you craving these days, while you've already got it? Share your cravings and your thoughts by using the comment link below.

Natural Funerals in the Oregonian

2010-08-06T17:49:00.001-07:00

Hello Friends! A great article was posted online and ran in the print edition of the Oregonian on Friday July 29.. "A Natural Return to the Earth". Yours truly, 'Shroud Lady' was quoted in it more than once! Writer Laurie Robinson featured many prominent Oregonians who have been moving the conversation about sustainable funeral practices forward. More and more people are investigating these options and, in fact, Portland's River View cemetery just last month began to allow natural burials anywhere within the cemetery.
This is an interesting idea--alternative to creating a specifically "green" section in a cemetery. There are varying opinions and lots of pros and cons...but in general I'm pleased about this. While I applaud the efforts of those who are creating fully natural cemetery preserves--conservation burial grounds, sustainable landscape management, native species restoration, etc... I also think that making the green option available for people who have already purchased plots in an established cemetery is a very good compromise. And I believe that other people seeing those natural burials, (without vaults, without embalming, using shrouds or hand made pine or willow caskets) .... will be curious and interested to inquire about those options when making their own funeral plans.
I think it's good to 'lay out a path' for people who are curious but maybe not ready to go "100%" toward a natural option. I mean, I prefer to eat all organic foods, but the organic version of every ingredient or product I use just isn't always available. Does this mean I'm a 'fake'? or that my efforts are meaningless? No, of course not. It's the same here, really.
I think it's important to provide ways for people to take steps toward sustainability, and to support and celebrate each of those choices. It's important for people to feel good about their funeral choices, not made wrong or feel intimidated for not being 'perfectly green'. What do you think?
Check out the article http://www.oregonlive.com/environment/index.ssf/2010/07/oregons_voices_in_the_green-bu.html
...and remember to click the "Information" box link to find many providers in the Portland area.
see you soon....
Marian (a.k.a. "Shroud Lady")

Crying is Good Practice

2010-07-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

   It’s July 23. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. I just finished listening to a special radio program honoring Daniel Schorr. He was the senior news analyst at NPR and he died this morning.
   I enjoyed listening to many of his commentaries on what was happening on the world stage. I came to appreciate his ‘long view’, and though it wasn’t really a ‘shocking surprise’ to hear of his death…he was 93, after all… still, I watched myself go through an interesting set of thoughts and feelings as I realized how much I would miss his calm, patient style helping me to make sense of troubling news events.

Remembering Daniel Schorr

   I appreciated him because he’d seen and lived through so much change and because he was a ‘walking history book’, so often having a historical reference from the past that correlated with something he was reporting on in the present. He’d lived through difficult times in our country and retained his integrity, humor and good will. There was always something reassuring about Mr. Schorr’s commentary, because it affirmed the cyclical nature of things, and the ability of a person to live through and learn from those cycles.   It said something about what arises and passes, and what endures.

   When I heard the news of his death, I was in my kitchen. I let out an “ohhhh” …just standing there hearing his distinctive voice in my mind.    I was stunned, and lost in reverie for a bit. It was announced that there’d be a special broadcast in an hour, so I fixed my dinner in time to sit down and listen.

   There were many excerpts of a long interview with him that took place 3 years ago on his 90th birthday.    I learned he was nearly arrested for refusing to reveal his sources; that he saw Berlin before, during and after he Wall; he had collaborated with a rock musician he’d never heard of named Frank Zappa, who admired him enough to invite him to speak to his audience, (on stage, at the Warner Theater!) about the importance of voting! And at 92, he was asked ‘what’s lost in using social media like Twitter?’ His reply: “What we lose is editing! The discipline that should go with being able to communicate is gone.” Still, right after that, he turned to Scott Simon and asked, on air, “Ok, how do I do it?”, and gave it a try!

Practicing Loss

   Anyway….by the end of the tribute broadcast, I was crying. I mean I was crying like something broke loose. And I thought “Why am I crying?”… He was 93! He was going to die at some point, sooner than later. I knew it. Everybody knew it. And besides, jeeze, I didn’t even know him!” Well I just gave myself permission to go ahead and cry, because I know by now, that I was doing something useful.

   What I was doing was ‘practicing loss’.   Last month I wrote about the necessity of loss…now I’m suggesting how we can engage the lessons in the loss…and to do that, first we have to feel the loss. What I’m most interested in here is the ‘first up’ human response when we’re faced with any kind of loss. What do we do? Most often the first thing we do is *cling*. It’s just what we do…it’s one of the oldest “distress recordings” in our minds, and we all have it. It’s like a song that plays, and the title is… “Don’t Go!”

Go Ahead and Cry

   Every day, we encounter dozens of opportunities to notice losses…. Something happens that we don’t want or didn’t anticipate, we lose a chance at something, we miss a phone call, we forget an important meeting, we didn’t get the job, or the interview, we don’t make the team, we get ‘bad’ news about our health, our grades, our bank account, our teeth! Every day we’re wading through floodwaters of things coming apart, breaking down, not working out, fading away.   Do I sound ‘pessimistic’? I’m not. I’m just reminding myself (and you) of the nature of things as they are.

   How often do we see young ones crying about losing something, and some well-meaning adult tries to   stop the crying by distracting them with toys, games, food, TV, etc. This teaches us early on to distract ourselves from the pain of loss….and we lose the chance to practice being with one of the deeper lessons of human existence, namely, that everything comes and goes! Nothing lasts forever (not even this article)! What if all these little ‘losses’ are practice sessions for the bigger ones?   Of course we ignore lots of these daily losses. It’s practical, as adults, to do this. But it’s good to be aware when the backlog is getting high.

   So where am I going with this? Well, when I was sitting there tonight crying about how I won’t have Daniel Schorr’s particular take on things to reassure or amuse me anymore, I was realizing that I was taking an opportunity to let myself feel loss. I was practicing how to be with loss and death. That my backlogged ‘bubble’ of past and anticipated losses was swelling and this one somehow just pressed hard enough to make it burst. So, I had a cry and restored the balance for a while.

   This is what I want to say. I think it’s a really good idea for us to go ahead and notice when we feel sadness about losing something, whether it’s a moment of fleeting beauty in the woods or the breaking of a favorite teacup, or the loss of a trusted news analyst. Just feel the feelings, and don’t listen to the voice that says “that’s nothing to cry about”. Go ahead and cry.

The Joy of Feeling

Here’s a story that happened to me once after a long meditation retreat:
     I had just broken silence and I was sitting on a large rock near a pond, with another retreatant. We’d taken a walk together, still tentative about speaking, and were taking in the beauty and the stillness of the trees, water, rocks. She took a breath and said “I know that all of this,” (and she gestured to the nature all around) “all of it will someday pass away, will no longer exist. And    somehow, I just can’t bear it.”

    I was startled and deeply moved by what she said. It was a good teaching for me because, first, I realized that part of my enjoyment of the beauty was the subtle belief that it would be there forever and unchanged-- and there she was reminding me that it wasn’t any more permanent than anything else! And so I was a bit miffed with her for ‘ruining’ my reverie. Then I heard the second part of what she said… the “I can’t bear it” part…and I understood that she didn’t ‘like’ the idea of impermanence any more than I did in that moment. And then, because all of this was occurring in the singularly clear mind-space that can arise after long periods of silence, there was a quality of just noticing this whole train of thought.   And this gave rise to tears and a sense of deep compassion for the human desire for security, for being safe from harm and free from loss.

    We can’t be free from loss. So practicing with all the small ones is a great way to prepare for meeting death.   My mother used to tell me so often, “You wear your heart on your sleeve.” She wanted to protect me from pain and loss, I know.   But in my life I’ve come to believe in ‘wearing’ this trembling heart of mine, and to trust in the things that keep it open, and soft and receptive.   Yes, it hurts to do this     sometimes. But I have a trust in my heart’s ability to heal.   For me, the joy and compassion and peace that arise from feeling so deeply are worth the price.

Share
   What about you? What makes your heart tremble?   I’d like to know…use the comment link below.

Until next time,
~Marian

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

It's Not O.K. to Call It 'Suicide'

2010-07-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

I want to write about something today that is controversial and deeply touching. It’s a subject that grows more important as many factors in our death-defying culture spin further away from rationality and toward fear-mongering and greed. I’m talking about people in severely challenging and terminal health situations who want to preserve their right to refuse “heroic” (invasive) medical procedures which would essentially prolong their suffering. I want to use the preferred and correct terminology for this, “ Aid in Dying”, contrasted with the term that the media likes to use…the one that grabs everyone’s attention: “Assisted Suicide”.

I found these words contrasting the two from Dr. James Lieberman in Psychiatric News, a publication of the American Psychiatric Association: He refers to Oregon’s Death With Dignity Act as DWDA.

“The suicidal patient has no terminal illness but wants to die; the DWDA patient has a terminal illness and wants to live.

Typical suicides bring shock and tragedy to families and friends; DWDA deaths are peaceful and supported by loved ones.

Typical suicides are secretive and often impulsive and violent. Death in DWDA is planned; it changes only timing in a minor way, but adds control in a major and socially approved way.

Suicide is an expression of despair and futility; DWDA is a form of affirmation and empowerment.”

Barbara Coombs Lee sums it up in her blog: “…suicide is the self-destructive impulse of a person who has every reason and ability to live. Aid in dying is the self-affirming decision of a person who cannot choose to live, and can only choose the manner of an imminent death.”

Against the Law?
In the 1970’s, the laws about suicide, which used to be illegal, changed. This was both because of advances in psychiatry and psychology, and a reasonable desire to update wording to reflect America’s independence from ‘the crown’. (two hundred years late!) (Citizens were ‘owned’ by the King and the crime was destruction of property.)
As a young person in the 60’s, the idea of suicide being against the law always puzzled me…you couldn’t put someone in jail who had already taken their own life so why was it a crime? Who would be punished?

In religious terms, it was clearly against the faith I was brought up in, and made a little more sense to me from a logical standpoint. Since I was brought up to believe that a person had a soul, which persisted after death and which was aimed toward heaven, I could see a chain of consequences there.   If committing suicide was a mortal sin, it would prevent someone from going to heaven. ( I didn’t think it was fair, but that’s another article…)
Socially, I was most aware of a deep sense of shamefulness around this subject. It certainly wasn’t the ubiquitous topic of conversation back then as it is (sadly) now. But it did happen, and when I overheard my mother or other adults talking about someone who taken their own life, it was in hushed and secret tones…and there was shamefulness connected with it. It was confusing…but I knew I wasn’t supposed to ask about it so I didn’t.

The Hemlock Society
The legal changes were a progressive step for the time…but there were people who saw more deeply into potential issues that the updated law still did not address. Derek Humphry founded the Hemlock Society in 1980, 5 years after the death of his first wife from inoperable bone cancer. He helped her to end her life when the pain and indignity of her illness became too much for her to bear. He wrote a book about this experience and formed the Society which was dedicated to informing, assisting and supporting people with the same kind of painful dilemma, supporting their Right to Die. His work is directly responsible for the current law we have here in Oregon which allows for Physician’s Aid in Dying.   The Hemlock Society merged twice with other groups and all of them are now merged into the Oregon based “Compassion and Choices” headed by Barbara Coombs Lee.   (Visit the Compassion and Choices website). They are an excellent resource for information, support and legal advocacy around end-of-life choices. I am proud to give financially to their efforts (Donate to Compassion and Choices)

Seeking Ethical Progress
So much has happened, socially, legally and spiritually over the last 2 to 3 decades. People are thinking deeply about this, and now there is more compassionate and intelligent dialogue about it. Buddhists, Christians, Pagans, Muslims and more—no matter who we are, there is a good chance we will have some exposure to this kind of choice and it will move us into uncomfortable, yet growth producing conversations, arguments and decisions.
Medicine has ‘advanced’ to the degree that procedures can be implemented which will ‘save the body’ or ‘prevent death’ more than ever before. But the problem is that these procedures too often do not enhance life. Oregon recognizes a person’s right to plan for a dignified death when the circumstances would unduly prolong suffering. The media feeds us sensational stories and persists in calling this dignified procedure 'suicide'.    This is why I want to share those contrasting words with you.
I feel concern when I hear more and more stories of people, mainly elders, who, despite their best efforts to be clear and informed, have somehow ended up in exactly the positions they tried so hard to avoid: a stroke, heart attack, or sometimes even a doctor’s appointment which requires communication among several specialists who don’t take the time to act as a team with the family. Any of these situations can result in a spouse or family member caring for someone who is no longer able to do the most basic self care, is in unremitting pain, has no hope of recovery, whose quality of life is extremely poor, whose medical care consists of one painful, egregiously invasive procedure after another. Often there is horrifying financial expense.   This is so much a product of our denial of death, along with the culture of corporate greed that has grown up around medicine.
The times we live in and the choices and experiences available to us seem to have outstripped the capacity of many of our spiritual teachings to address them.

How About You?
Where does this leave us? It’s an interesting and fruitful edge for inquiry; and there are no easy answers.   But I want to throw in a word from a dear friend of mine that helps put a little perspective into the conversation. She said to me one day, “You know, Marian, Death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a person!”

Until next time…

~Marian
What do you think about this?
I welcome your comments.

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

The Necessity of Loss

2010-06-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

The Necessity of Loss

I’m reading a book by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor called “Traveling with Pomegranates: A Mother-Daughter Story.” The authors are yes, mother and daughter, and much of what was said resonated with my own experiences as a mother- and as a daughter. I was deeply moved by an insight that Sue, (the mother) was working her way toward for the whole first part of the story-- it was about Loss.

Her ‘doorway’ is in examining puzzling feelings of loss regarding her daughter –while they are traveling together. At one point she says:

“I tell myself the bereft feeling that washed over me means nothing- I’m just jet-lagged, that’s all. But...I know the feeling is actually everything. It is the undisclosed reason I’ve come to the other side of the world with my daughter. Because in a way that makes no sense, she is lost to me now. Because she is grown and a stranger. And I miss her almost violently.”

The story is a travelogue full of intense dreams, joy, grief, conversations and mysteriously mystical occurrences. Underneath it all there is this edge...this impending sadness, like a minor chord in the soundtrack of a film. And then there is this aphorism, like a glossy, irregularly shaped pearl: Loss is Necessary.

Necessary. This really struck me. Loss is necessary.

It’s odd… I don’t know why this struck me with such impact. On the surface it doesn’t seem all that different from a lot of what I say. I’m always talking about things coming and going- arising and passing. I’m always encouraging people to notice endings. To notice loss, to make room for grief, to make use of all of the little endings in life instead of dismissing them or pretending they aren’t happening.

I’ve spoken a lot about how we never get to practice losings and endings because we are surrounded by a surfeit of *new things to buy* and an injunction to pursue the fiction of permanent, eternal youth. If you don’t like your (fill in the blank…anything from toothbrush to ‘significant other’), just get a *new* one! I rant at times about this cultural proclivity, and I crave an alternate approach.

BUT…This idea of “loss” as “ necessary” has really got me engaged. I guess it’s like any deep investigation into a truth that is HUGE. It’s not as if one can say “okay, I got that one. Give me another of the ‘Great Truths of Life’ to work on.” For the RBTs (really big truths), one could spend a whole life refining an understanding of them. It’s just that I never said it that way… “Loss is necessary”.

I’ve thought of loss as inevitable, yes. As something to adjust to, be present with, learn from, accommodate, acclimate to… Yes, yes, all of the above! Still, with this insight, “Loss is necessary” I can find in all of those actions a subtle reactivity to the feelings of discomfort around loss.…an overall grimacing belief that loss is a kind of emotional hurdle and that the value is derived in the integration of the ‘bad’ feelings. I am seeing how this assumes a pejorative nature of loss.

Loss as an adversary. When my mother died, I remember that at first I felt it was just somehow wrong to be in the world without her. It was a weird ‘biological’ thing…the person who carried me inside her body was no longer here…so how could I be here? Then of course there were many other ways of coming to terms with the loss of her … revisiting the losses that we experienced over the course of our relationship…the loss of future experiences. And the loss of the chance to ever make peace together for some of the more difficult wounds we dealt one another.

Accepting all of these losses as necessary is giving me another angle of perception. It’s a kind of ‘wide angle’. It goes along with a direction I give myself whenever I’m struggling too much with a particular problem. I say “Okay, Get Bigger, Marian”…get big enough to see this from a distance away. Get a perspective on it.

From the personal angle, the death of someone we love can just feel wrong….and in the case of violent deaths, “untimely” deaths, deaths of children, etc, it’s understandable to think that. But with time, and having the awareness tucked away in our psyche that ‘loss is necessary’ there can arise the holy balm of acceptance. It’s just what is. Blame is gone, shame is gone, denial is gone. It’s just what is. Loss happens. Surrendering to what is can be very freeing.

If I think about my own losses and my struggles with those losses, I see that accepting the loss as necessary clears the way for me to settle fully into the self I am now, without whatever it is that I’ve lost. This doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. It just means I’m able to relax and allow myself to move forward again…forward into the period of growth and fullness that inevitably comes around.

If loss is necessary then …we don’t have to struggle against it. How about that? We can skip the extra mental suffering that comes from seeing it as somehow wrong, and begin to see if as a naturally occurring phenomenon. Something that just is.

Maybe what Sue Monk Kidd meant about loss is that it’s necessary in order to make our passage. It’s necessary so that we can realize the full measure of our humanness. Loss is the coin we’re given to ‘pay the ferryman’ for the trip across the chasm to the far shore.

Comments? I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings about losses in your life.

Until next time…

~Marian

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

In Memoriam

2010-06-02T12:29:00.001-07:00

In Memoriam

When I was researching for this article, I found conflicting listings for ‘The First Memorial Day’. Most agree it originated after the Civil War. Stories range from wives and daughters placing wreaths on the graves of their lost loved ones to freed slaves burying Union prisoners of war and then organizing to honor them. Doubtless there was simply a welling up of grief for the loss of lives and the devastation of homes and families after that War was finally over. Historically we know that a fraternal organization of veterans of the Union army who had served in the Civil War officially proclaimed that May 30, 1868 be designated as Memorial Day and flowers were placed on the graves of both Union and Confederate soldiers in Arlington National Cemetery. It took 22 more years before all states observed it.

So that was the beginning…

“Storewide Memorial Day Sale”
But let me ask you…what do you think of when you think “Memorial Day”? I’m guessing it’s picnics, sales, and a three day weekend, as much as it is remembering soldiers who have died. As a nation, we are oddly removed from the visceral sense of grief and loss of our soldiers. A columnist in the Washington Post, E.J. Dionne Jr. makes an interesting point about this. He says; “Our major wars -- particularly the Civil War, which gave rise to Memorial Day, and World War II -- were in some sense mass democratic experiences. They touched the entire country. The same cannot be said of our more recent conflicts.”
I’ve been turning this over in my mind and I see the truth of it. Not that we have no consciousness at all about the current fight-that-we-don’t-call-a- war, and the number of soldiers who have died. And yes, there are places all over the country where war dead are honored today, including and especially our nation’s capitol. But there is a deep fatigue and disillusionment regarding the current deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan, and as a nation we are uneasy these days, and divided in our social responses to men or women in uniform. There is much more of a sense of the waste of young lives and a mistrust of the motives and methods of the conflicts we are involved in now, and much less unity –less of that ‘democratic experience’ that Mr. Dionne writes about.

Non-Soldiers dying in a Non-War
The number of civilian deaths (I won’t call them ‘casualties’) is also difficult and wearing on soldiers. Reasons and ideology around these military conflicts are debated endlessly, but soldiers are still deployed. There is no clear sense of victory or of when it’s all going to end. There are troubling reports of a real lack of guidance or support in processing the daily eroding doses of grief and anger and loss and confusion that soldiers face.
Death and grieving. There are so many of us walking around with so much unhealed, unexpressed and often misplaced grief. It might even be said that one of the causes of war is misplaced unhealed grief.
The first step in healing grief is acknowledging the death. The visceral reality of death.

Memorial Day is a national opportunity to do this. I know it was established to honor and remember soldiers who have fought and died…but I also know that when one death is honored and acknowledged, it opens the door to remembrance of all of the other deaths that have occurred in one’s life. Memorial Day is, then, a national day in which we are ‘allowed’ to think about death and to mourn and grieve in whatever way feels right. But because of this weird disconnect that pervades so much of our culture around death and grief, what do we do? Party and shop! I’m not saying we should be ‘dismal’ today…but it would be good to have a balance here! Is there another way to honor this holiday of remembrance?

National Moment of Remembrance

How many of you knew that in 2000, then-president Bill Clinton issued this memorandum?

I hereby direct all executive departments and agencies, in consultation with the White House Program for the National Moment of Remembrance (Program), to promote a ``National Moment of Remembrance'' to occur at 3 p.m. (local time) on each Memorial Day.
I can’t say I’d ever heard of it but I can’t help thinking “What if we actually did this?” Like those tests of the “emergency broadcast system”…what if, on radio and tv, during parades, music festivals, in shopping malls,wherever, what if we actually had this?
National Moment of Remembrance? Can you imagine in the midst of shopping, if the entire mall’s public address systems were used to announce this moment of silence for remembrance? What might occur if, as a nation, this was established and became commonplace? Would it spark more of them?

“ Memorial Day” sparks “Memorial Moments”

Imagine people sharing more small moments of silence together. Moments in which you knew it would be okay to be thinking of someone you loved who had died, because everyone else was doing that too?

It would be like practicing something really difficult, (facing death) - all together. Everybody would be included because everybody has at least an ancestor who has died! Everyone!

Eventually it would have to change the way we think about death, wouldn’t it?

Remembrance, Shared Grief, Peace
What if after a whole lot of these moments we came to PEACE in our remembrance of someone we love who has died? And what if that peace spread outwards? It could happen…
I found these words on a bookmark the other day:
“Inner Peace~A personal solution for global transformation”

Global Transformation. Yeah. I like the sound of that!
If you missed the moment of silence on Monday don’t worry, you can do it anytime..right now, for instance. It’s never too late to cultivate a little Inner Peace.
Until next time~Marian

How One Dead Bird Could Change Everything

2010-05-18T17:56:00.001-07:00

How One Dead Bird Could Change Everything

A while back my friend Kerissa told me this story, ending with a great question;

When I was a pre-school teacher I once had an irate parent call a conference with me because I had allowed the children to look at a dead bird and told them that eventually everything dies. She asked me how dare I terrify her son. The funny thing is that her son was not terrified - but she obviously was. I am curious what your thoughts are on talking to children about death in our culture as it currently is?

Of course I have lots of thoughts to share about this!
First, I personally think that as a teacher, my friend did exactly the right thing, and I'd encourage her to do it again. Children can handle much more information than we give them credit for. In sharing 'adult' information with children, I have found the keys to be: honesty and simplicity. If we can communicate simple facts, i.e., "Here's a dead bird" and "Everything dies" without expressing our own emotional baggage, then a child has a great chance of taking in and integrating new information. This of course doesn't mean they will have NO reaction...or no questions. Children will have questions. It's their 'job'.

If one of their questions is: "You mean, even me? I'm going to die?" You can answer with a sincere and matter of fact "Yep, even you, what do you think about that?" If you can just allow time for a child to 'chew on' that bit of information in an interested and curious manner, trust me, they'll be the better for it. (and their answers just might crack you up!)
What if they cry? What if they get mad? What if they feel or show some fear?

Perfectly Okay! Actually that's great!
Those are all perfectly natural feelings and reactions anyone might have about death. And if someone...a child or an adult is asking these questions, the best thing you can do is to be open to the asking and present to their feelings. No need to try tone down, head of or distract... just simply be present with the person having feelings. You might think of it like witnessing. You could say something like 'yeah, it's sad' or 'you sound angry' or 'what seems scary about it?'

These kinds of explorations can open the door to surprisingly deep connecting with a child. And believe me, they'll be grateful as they grow up for this kind of foundation.

I'll let you in on a little secret here....Actually this entire process works marvelously well with adults too! Which leads me back to the mother of the boy in our story....I think my friend's intuition that her student wasn't terrified but his mother was, might be true. Since we live in a culture of, (remember?), *denial* of death, this mom may have a bit of her own unexamined fears about death. Lots of us are carrying stuff like this around... so what can we do?

Let's say you yourself are having some surprising, embarrassing, intense or difficult feelings around death. Someone you know has died. Or... Someone you know is dying. Or...You're getting older and realizing you're actually going to die one day. However it happens, let's say that somehow, you've gotten a 'jolt', and death is on your mind.

What if you could find a supportive friend who will simply try that witnessing idea?

What if they said, "You seem to be feeling sad...tell me about your sadness." Then they just let you talk, with no interruptions, no telling you why you don't have to feel sad or don't have to worry.

Or what if this same friend asked, "What seems the most scary to you about this?" And then just listened? With a warm friendliness. Just listening to you.

I'm a firm believer in people's own innate ability to sort out a confusing situation and arrive at a useful decision or course of action. We just need time, and a little company while we do it. I don't often directly offer 'what I think you should do' kinds of information. (at least I try not to!) Mostly I find that listening well, with the sense that I have complete faith in a person's intelligence and natural abilities, is often the only thing needed for someone to 'right themselves' and carry on.
If you think about this, it's a tremendous relief, really, on either side of the equation. As a friend wanting to help, we don't have to 'figure things out' for our friends in difficulty...we can just keep listening to them while they sort through it all find their own solution.

As someone who is feeling bad, we can just 'unpack our 'bag' and not be sorting through our difficult stuff in isolation. We may not always know the 'right' thing to say or do, but we can always feel good about sharing some good 'listening time'.

If we had lots more opportunity to sit and 'think out loud' about death, with a supportive listening friend, I think a paradigm shift would occur. True healing would be unavoidable! And that's what I'm after.

So.... the next time you're with a young one, and there's an opportunity...a dead bug, a dead bird, a dead tree....to have a conversation about how "everything dies", I hope you feel empowered to open the door.

Until next time,~Marian

Can You Kill Death

2010-05-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Can You Kill Death?

If kill means conquer, would the conquest be a literal or a figurative achievement? And who would take up such a quest?

Have you noticed how popular Vampire stories have become in our 'entertainment media'? You could say it's about a fixation with blood and violence....but I think that underneath, it's about trying to 'kill death'. It's all about becoming 'forever young'.

Okay, here is where I fall back on my old assertion, that contemporary western culture is deep denial about Death. And since this is so, we just don't have much public dialog that simply includes death. We have plenty of images of killing, and plenty of dying. No shortage of gore-- and movie ratings astonish me in this regard. These get a "PG 13" but serious stories about death are 'for mature audiences'. Somehow it's more creepy and less acceptable to see an actual dead body in a casket, with mourning family in attendance.

Death used to feature prominently in fairy tales, plays and daily conversation. A body, with all of the life gone out of it, was something most people had seen several of by the time it was their 'turn to die'. Everybody knew that everybody 'got their turn'. Living on farms, or hunting game, children grew up with intimate knowledge of both birth and death. Most knew how to wring the neck of a bird, or hunt small animals. Many were taught how to field dress an animal that had been brought down in a hunt. Most had seen animals giving birth...and sometimes seen the newly born animals become the prey of other animals.

These are no longer common experiences...AND, we don't even have literature or media in schools that brings this awareness to children. I saw Chef Jamie Oliver talking to a class of grade school students recently. He's on his own laudable quest to bring healthy food lunches into schools. I was stunned (as was he) to find that many many children did not actually know that meat came from animals!! They could not identify the animal that a 'hamburger' came from. Or even chicken! "Meat" is something bought in a plastic wrapped package in the grocery store, or more commonly, ordered from the drive-through menu. Since we have "sanitized" our shopping experience and we don't see animal carcasses at a butcher shop anymore, this makes someone with a meat cleaver a character from a horror movie!

My friend, Kris Santoro, wrote to me once about the results of this denial in terms of his own experiences around death. Read on to learn about his desire to do things a bit differently.

There are so many flavors of denial when it comes to dealing with death. It isn't just a frustration with the 'unfairness' of it all or a sense of a wrong being done. In terms of the aged and the ailing, there is a certain amount of time allowed, I think, to prepare, embrace, and anticipate the passing. And those moments can be a comfort both to the dying and the those who remain.

But so far in my brief 30 year span of life, Death has never come as a welcome release, but as a thief taking people that were not prepared, did not wish it, and left their families bereft of the chance to 'make peace.' I think this is true of many in my generation (I am thirty.) We are not raised with death as one of life's many dance partners. So when it comes, for many of us, it can be jarring, numbing, or paralyzing. It is only a negative experience for so many of us.

I am not a humble person; I know 3 languages, own my house, love my wife, and lead a pretty awesome existence. I am used to seeing my will be done in the world by applying my attention, my resources, and my skills. I am also not above dragooning friends and acquaintances into assisting me with things I view as important. Death takes no account of my 'gifts,' desires, or abilities. My will, powerful enough in terms of life, can feel meaningless in terms of death.

As an independent young man used to seeing his own way through the trees, this is incredibly galling and painful.

Death and dying have become for me, an implacable enemy hiding in the trees, waiting to pounce on and ravage my dreams and my heart. I find nothing peaceful in it and my greatest desire is to have led a life of meaning and joy before it takes me.

On a lighter note, I plan to raise my children (they are on back order) differently than I was raised. Death needs to be understood as a natural part of life from an early age. It should be respected and incorporated into our rituals and our homes so that when it comes it is as accepted at the turning of season and as inevitable as tick following tock.

For me... well I am still working on not being hideously angry at death. One of my favorite stories is an old Russian tale where a soldier catches death in a sack and beats the tar out of him. My intellect suggests that a world without death would be a grim one; my soul wants a turn with the stick.

Thanks, Kris!
Feel free to share your thoughts. I'd love to hear from you... 'til next time... ~Marian

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

Cardboard Cremation Caskets

2010-04-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

Cardboard Cremation Caskets

Whenever I mention these as one of the options for people in speaking about home funerals, I see people sort of frown or smirk…. "Cardboard?...CARD Board? I’m gonna put someone in CARDBOARD?" Well I suppose it can seem a bit odd, yes. And why is that? Once again, it’s a cultural belief system in operation. It’s because we have all these associations with 'cardboard boxes' and their basic unworthiness.

Okay. I get it. But bend your mind for a minute here. That’s what I’m always trying to get you to do, in my writing, isn’t it? (and lest you think you are the only victims, I am always trying to do this with my own mind as well.) I think it’s a good thing to ‘bend’ or ‘stretch’ one’s thinking a bit. It’s good to challenge concepts or opinions or pre-conceived ideas. We like our pre-conceived ideas, don’t we? We’ve often spent a good long while working on them, refining them, polishing them. We’re often quite proud of them. But let me say, it can really be liberating to let them go sometimes!
Like now, for instance…like this idea about the "lowliness" of a "cardboard box".

A "cardboard cremation container" is the standard name for this . It is, in fact, what is used by a funeral home or crematorium, for what is referred to as 'direct cremation'. It’s generally a simple, sturdy cardboard container with a lid. It has handles pre-cut into it for ease in carrying and I’ve been told it can fit someone 6 foot or slightly taller and support up to 275lbs .

All funeral homes carry a version of this. Many of them do not display or offer these for sale on the showroom floor, but a family may certainly request one. They’re by far the least expensive option, if that is a consideration. But the simple cardboard box has a few other noble and redeeming features.
First, whether used for cremation or burial, it takes the least amount of time to 'dissipate'. I mean it either composts in the earth more rapidly than other casket materials, or burns quickly- using less fuel for cremation (and, I’m told, reducing wear on the 'retort' -or cremation chamber)
Second, it’s light in weight which makes it somewhat easier to carry.

Another of its virtues is that it can be decorated easily…and here is where it’s humble profile really shines! It has a kind of friendly, unassuming demeanor which puts would-be artists right at ease! It seems that it’s just not so intimidating to think of decorating cardboard as it might be to think of doing the same to a fancy wooden casket! People, once they get going, seem to dive right in!

I’ve seen elaborate paintings, collages, written messages…flowers, trees, animals, birds, abstract designs, handprints and even pawprints! Family or friends can each take a small or large area and do whatever they like. Some like to coordinate an overall design, and some create a mélange—colorful mixtures of heartfelt messages. Children get right into the act. It seems to really engage people in a way that is often satisfying and healing.

I’m kind of fascinated by this. I think of it as an emerging folk art trend. I’m glad it’s an option and I’m happy to tell you about it.

Now I’m not knocking caskets…in fact 'some of my best friends are casket makers…'. (I had to say that…) I am not suggesting that everyone go for the cardboard option. I just want folks to know it’s there. Remember, I am a proponent of choice…and in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m always interested in 'jiggling' some of our 'solid' opinions and ideas…just to make a little room for something new and unexpected to come in.

And I just wanted to bring this simple humble player out into the spotlight for a bit of recognition.

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

Risin' Up from Bein' Dead

2010-04-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

Risin' Up from bein' Dead

This week I'm sharing something I wrote a couple of years ago. It's a kind of fun exploration of my upbringing and current path...and I thought you'd find it amusing and informative-and a bit on the lighter side of things. When I wrote this, a kind reader responded with a bit of historical information that answered a question I'd posed in my writing...so I'm including her answer too!
And just to keep you in the loop... I did go and give my testimony to the OMCB in person on March 25. I'd been complimented on the clarity of my letter and the fact that I covered many of the important points and was asked to read it into the record, which I did. We managed to have enough people there to offer nearly 3 hours of testimony, and as a result of that and your letters, a formal request was made and granted to extend the comment period. This means that if you weren't able to get something written before, you now have until June 25, 2010, to do it! (and to encourage others!) Thanks for your efforts to see that Home Funerals continue to be a viable option for people in Oregon, and in the rest of the country as well. If you'd like to read my letter to the Oregon Mortuary and Cemetery Board, here's the link to it.

Now... on to the my musings...

Some people celebrated Easter yesterday. Other friends are honoring Pesach or Passover. Both holidays occur after the start of the season of spring...which is sometimes called 'Eostara', otherwise known as Spring Equinox.

The Easter tradition that I grew up with is all about Death and Resurrection. The rituals in the church of my childhood took up most of this week in what we were taught to call the 'Passion of Christ'.
This signified the time in which this controversial fellow "...was crucified, died and was buried" and then ( here comes the clincher...) "on the third day he rose again from the Dead."
In one way, this sort of condenses the "story" that goes on in nature for the roughly 6 months between the Fall and Spring Equinoxes. ( In the northern hemisphere anyway). Not the crucifixion part literally, but the laboring and dying and fading away and then a time of quiet stasis, followed by a rebirth. I was captivated by this story as a girl, and was conscientious in my attending to the spiritual practices I was taught. There was a deep reverent sense in me about the importance of the time of Lent--in which I gave up something I was fond of--a sort of fasting--in order to prepare for the renewal of faith in life. I still love this time of year. I love the promise of it.
I think often about this story about Jesus and the impact it had on me as a child. I think about those women to whom the care of the body of Jesus was entrusted. It's kind of like it was the first 'home funeral' I ever heard about! They took him down from the cross. They bathed and anointed and wrapped his body in linen. They put him in a shroud. And they put him in a "tomb" and then rolled a big stone in front of it. I had so many questions about this! Was the tomb above ground or under? Was it a cave? How come it looked like that in the pictures in my missal? How did those women roll that big stone in front of the opening? How did they find a stone that big lying around?
Then after all that work...they go back a few days later and he's gone! Not just disappeared, no, he clearly must have "woken up" because he got "undressed"~! He took off the shroud! He left the wrappings! This is big stuff for a small girl. I pondered the drama of this moment a lot. He woke up! From being dead! And took off his shroud!

When I first started to make burial shrouds, I wanted to find a picture or a pattern of one. At that time almost all of my searches ( especially on the internet ) yielded only entries and pictures of part of the very shroud that Jesus was to have left behind. It's now called the "Shroud of Turin" (because it's in a museum there) and is purported to be the cloth that covered Jesus in the tomb. They think this because the image of his face is somehow 'burned' or in some mystical way imprinted into the cloth. This is all quite fascinating, but it doesn't give much clue as to the design or pattern of a whole shroud. And there is of course controversy about the origins of this most sacred relic of the Church. But it's called a shroud. THE shroud. The first one I ever heard about. Hmmmm.....

I often don't know what I'm going to write about when I start these posts. I had no idea that this entry would lead me to this place but I'm smiling thinking of the way one thing can lead to another. I'd not ever thought of this link between me and Jesus and Home Funerals....But there it is.
Here is the most interesting comment from my friend Beth that answered some of those questions about the tomb and the stone...
"I don't claim to know how the women in the biblical account moved the stone, but I can tell you what I remember learning when I took a course in Israel some years ago. My class visited the ancient tomb of an ancient Israelite from the time of Christ. The big stones to be rolled in front were custom made and left to one side of the entrance of a tomb, waiting for its owner to occupy it. The stones were put in a sort of track to roll it in and could be moved with some sort of leverage, such as a large piece of wood. There were caretakers of the tombs so likely the caretaker moved it in front after Jesus was buried. The real miracle is that Jesus got out - any kind of leverage had to be used from the outside, the tombs were not designed to allow exit from the inside for obvious reasons. Easter is an incredible celebration for Christians because in Christ death was truly conquered. Thanks for such thoughtful musings."

Thank you friends... please feel free to post your comments on the blog, I love to hear from you! And whatever your tradition or spiritual practice, may you enjoy the sense of possibility and joyful renewal of Spring.

Warmly ~Marian

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

Open Air Cremation

2010-03-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

Open Air Cremation

A number of years ago, I read an account of an open air cremation that someone shared with me. The images from that beautiful story have stayed with me over the years...the body carefully wrapped in fabric layered with herbs and essential oils...a large bowl of rock salt mixed with lavender blossoms and oils of lavender and rosemary, handfuls of which were scattered over the fire, releasing colors and scent....and most strikingly, the son, standing on a rise above the pyre, in clan kilt and colors, both hands on the hilt of a claymore, point down in the earth. (A claymore is a large double-edged broadsword formerly used by Scottish Highlanders). As the pyre was lit, he raised the sword over his head and swept it through the air, cutting earthly ties and freeing the soul.

I've held this story dear and shared it with others, wishing I could learn more about how or where it happened. So imagine my delighted surprise when last fall, at a conference on Green Burials in Boulder, CO I listened to a woman who gave a presentation on Open Air Cremation!

I listened, rapt, as Anna Louise Stewart shared the story of the community based, non denominational group that she is part of- and their inspiration to honor their dead in this ancient sacred way. It began with one family choosing to do this on their own property, doing a bit of research to procure the correct permits and going ahead. It was unique, and moving, and it sparked (!) the interest of others.

As you may imagine, there was no standard operating procedure to refer to for this and as people began to exercise this option, it became clear that sharing information and support would be beneficial to all concerned. I spoke with Stephanie Gaines, a friend and colleague of Anna Louise, about what happened next. She saw a need for people to have clear, accurate information on both the practical and emotional sides, to make the experience of open air cremation a positive one for all concerned. She says: “We wanted to bring mindfulness to cremations so that people were trained and had consciousness and intentionality about what was done. Very much like the work of hospice, we wanted to be teaching and supporting people to do this in a skillful way.”

So she founded the Crestone End of Life Project, a non profit educational organization, to do just that. What a gift to her community!

It is important to Stephanie that people have a grounded understanding of the process and reasons for open air cremation. She wanted to address family concerns, communication, preparations, advice about documents needed, etc. It’s an extension of the home funeral processes I’ve spoken about here before.

“We want people to be aware that it is possible...but we want them to be mindful of what is involved. And we want them to know about the incredible community base that is needed to accomplish this. It takes an enormous amount of work to do this and we strive for impeccability as we do it. ” She stresses that the cremation itself is the final part of a much longer and community oriented process… But I know you want to know about that bit so I’ll share what these two women told me about it.

At Crestone, they have selected a spot on the top of a hill. All cremations are done at 7:00 a.m. (winds are calm at that hour). A body wrapped in cloth is carried in a procession up the hill. It is placed on the pyre and as a lovely touch, juniper branches are arranged over it. Mourners may also add flowers or other items. The fire is lit and flames rise high. People stay together for the several hours it takes the body to complete its ‘transformation’. Anna Louise tells me that there is often a lot of heavy or intense grieving when someone lights the fire. But that as time goes on, other emotions release. People sing, cry, chant, pray, talk and even laugh. This seems just right to me…and another example of the power of giving people enough time to fully receive the death. There’s time enough for people to be present with one another in their grief, uncomfortable as it may be. It becomes a community supported event. Everyone shares in the pain and the deep abiding comfort of being part of a community experiencing this together.

Stephanie says they are now writing a manual to offer clear information and training for people who want this option. And she tells me that they have “absolute support from the coroners in Colorado”. This is in part because of their great efforts at connecting to their community and providing such a knowledgeable and comforting service to citizens of the two small towns they serve. For more information you may contact the folks at Crestone http://www.crestoneendoflifeproject.org

Until next time... Marian

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

Cemetery Shopping Trip

2010-03-02T11:28:00.000-08:00

Cemetery Shopping Trip

Laura at her chosen burial spot

I love my work. How many of you have ever gotten an email in your inbox with "Cemetery Shopping Trip" in the subject line?

I received this from Laura Taylor, a client of mine who is really facing her ‘future demise’ with class, humor, whimsy and an artistic practicality. Laura is my ideal…she’s actually got more pieces of her ‘exit plan’ together than I do. (Should I really admit that?!). She’s my new heroine.

About 2 months ago, I met Laura. She was

referred to me by a local funeral service provider who knows that I make burial shrouds. Laura wanted a natural burial and was looking for sustainable alternatives to a casket. Since she is local, I invited her to my studio. We had a lovely first meeting. I showed her a shroud and she was able to look over all the fabrics and ribbons I use, and to try out different color combinations etc. She asked lots of great questions, and as we talked I got a sense of her life, her values and her true desire to plan her exit in a personal, whimsical, beautiful way. And here’s the thing about Laura….she’s in perfectly fine health! Her death isn’t any more imminent than anyone else's (well, strictly speaking we could all say …but we don’t, and yes, some people are actively engaged in the dying process…which my friend Therese calls ‘intensified living’….but that’s another article!)

Anyway, my point is that Laura has literally taken the bull by the horns and stepped up to fully face death instead of running on ahead and pretending it should never catch up with her! It seems to me that this gives her a kind of effervescent power. Each time we’ve met, planning designs for the quilting, consulting on color changes, and brainstorming about ideas, we inevitably get to giggling about something. I’ve said ‘you know you can try this on beforehand’ and though I was being perfectly serious, after a few seconds we both cracked up! She said ‘yes, and take a picture of me in it! So I can see how I look!’. I offered to do this with her family so that when the time comes, they’ll have some familiarity with how the shroud works, and also the memory of laughter in the midst of their grief.

Laura has chosen symbols of water, fish and a setting sun which I worked into a drawing that serves as the design to be quilted into a panel that will rest on top of her body. This is a design change suggested by her and one which I will likely adopt in the future. I love this cooperative approach, creating as we go along, incorporating personal touches. Laura likes to crochet and we will be weaving some of her handwork into the design as well.

You know what all of this does? It invites “Death” right into the room with us…not as a monstrous fearful event but as a simple inevitability. We poke fun, we create beauty, and we re-integrate death into the course of a life. We interact with the concept of death. We scale it down to the truly ordinary occurrence that it is, in order to make ourselves available to the teachings it will bring. This is happening not just for Laura, but for me as well. And I am grateful for it.

In today’s email, Laura says “I found the perfect place to put my body after I'm done with it!” and she goes on to talk about the Historic Cemetery she found in Eugene, which is at present the only Green Burial cemetery in Oregon. She sent the photos I’ve displayed here, saying “I especially like the photo where I'm spreading my arms to show that this, indeed, is the place, for me on one side and for Tom on the other. Here shall we rest our weary bones!"

Laura has danced right up to a cultural ‘edge’ here… and anyone who comes into contact with her affable, humorous and matter-of-fact approach can’t help but come away changed by it. Just listen to her last line; “How exciting! I can hardly wait! ....... No, wait a minute, I think I can wait a bit longer!” Can’t you just see that twinkle in her eye?

"Here we Lay Our Weary Bones"

So dear readers, here’s a challenge for you; Share this article with someone and instigate a conversation about what you each might want to

happen with your body ‘after you’re done with it’.

~Thank you, Laura, for letting me share your story!

Until next time...

This is the feature article from the E-Zine of a Fine Farewell . We post there twice a month, with additional information included in this blog. I invite you to subscribe here.

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell 2010

"Interview with a Gravedigger"

2010-02-16T16:19:00.000-08:00

"Interview with a Gravedigger"

Photo copyright bg&emese's

Okay, first, the Hollywood version...a dark rainy night, thunder and lightning, one or two shifty looking guys with shovels, smoking cigarettes. The 'thunk' of the shovel, the howl of the wind, the rumble of thunder. Lightning flashes! A wolf howls! --'Got goosebumps yet?

This movie scene is often the kind of image that arises at the mention of the words 'grave digger'. Fortunately, I found someone who can give us a more current (and less scary!) picture. David Haisman is a pleasant, easygoing man of many talents. He's an advocate of home funerals and green burials, and he digs graves for his living. (though when asked his profession, his wife sometimes prefers him to say he does "Excavating")

Dave and his 24 year old son, Brian, do this work together in their small town of Durango, Colorado. When I asked Dave how he got into this work, he said it sort of fell into his lap when an old friend, a cemetery manager, was in a jam and called one day saying, "Hey Dave, do you still have that backhoe ?"

Turns out the area’s only grave digger had quit and they were desperately seeking a replacement. Dave was able to purchase the fellow’s 'setup' of essential equipment, (a sort of 'gravediggers starter kit’!), and armed with this and his backhoe, he was ready to begin providing "Graveside Services". The total number of funerals he’d attended in his life at that point was…two.

Two years (and 100 graves) later, Dave has seen the FULL spectrum of experiences. "Let me tell you," he says, "There's no 'typical' funeral!"

Below are highlights and a Q&A with Dave.

How long does it take to dig a grave?

“ From the time we arrive at cemetery, to unload equipment, dig the grave, setup chairs, a canopy and ground covering, and be ready for the ceremony...we’ve gotten it down to one hour.”

Do mourners see what you do?

“For the first year, we’d [leave] nothing in view at the cemetery. But we've come to learn that for people, it's all part of it, to see the equipment etc. We were getting carried away with being too ‘sterile’. People know why we’re all there-- to dig a grave, honor and bury someone.”

Are you there during the service?

“ Yes-or at least nearby. Because we have opened the grave, we feel responsible for the safety of the people involved. We can assist pall bearers if needed, if the soil isn’t stable or if they are struggling with the weight of the casket. Sometimes we just do the lowering of the casket.” (they have a device for this)

Ever had any ‘e.s.p.’-type experiences at a graveside?

“I would say there've been a few times...especially when you pause to take in what you've just been part of. Everyone's gone, you’re alone and there is an 'awareness' that you are in area where maybe things exist beyond what we can see.”

Are you ever scared?

“No--we have no sense of fear around this. Maybe that comes with our respect for the work.”

I liked Dave’s true wish to accommodate people’s needs. While some mourners leave after tossing handfuls of earth into the grave, there are those who want more involvement. Dave has worked with many Native American families who want to fill the grave in by hand themselves. Knowing this, he’ll make sure to have extra shovels to provide for them. “We try to work with the family and respect their wishes…doing what they want us to do.” Sometimes, quite poignantly, this includes being handed personal objects of the deceased to place into the grave.

“People often tell us; 'We're so happy that you fellows are doing this'. Maybe it’s because we take our job seriously and we feel like it's an honor to be serving families that have a need- and to support them in a life-altering moment.”

The last thing Dave told me was a story about a recent funeral attended by a large family. There was a lot of snow on the ground and he was touched to see the balance between the family’s grief, and the children’s natural exuberance as they played in the snow, throwing snowballs and such. He said “When the service was over Brian was getting on the tractor, making ready to fill in the grave. I saw one of their kids...about 12...a typical, curious boy, really checking out the machines. In fact I’d noticed him looking into the grave beforehand too. So I asked if he'd ever been on a tractor. ‘No!’ was the answer. I asked if he'd like to get on the tractor and he looked at his mom...who said something like 'Oh you don't want to bother'. I said, 'It'd be no bother, he'll sit up there next to my boy.' and so the youngster climbed up and sat next to Brian, and he helped to move the earth. Now, he’ll have that memory for the rest of his life, that he helped to fill in his grandfather’s grave."

Isn’t that a wonderful story? One which reflects the earthy, warm kind of comfort and ease that Dave radiated during our entire interview –as I’m sure he does for all the folks he’s worked with. 'Til next time...

This is the feature article from the E-Zine of a Fine Farewell . We post there twice a month, with additional information included in this blog. I invite you to subscribe here.

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell, February 16,, 2010

Graveyards, Tombstones, and the Friends of Lone Fir

2010-02-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

"Graveyards, Tombstones, and the Friends of Lone Fir"
Photo courtesy Evan Nichols

I was driving by the Lone Fir Cemetery here in Portland today. I really like this cemetery. I like the scale of it, the age of the trees around it, the fact that it sits right in the midst of the city. I like to look at the tombstones and monuments there. I like how calm it feels to walk around inside the gates. And even though I am sometimes moved to tears by something I find there, I always feel... well, I guess you could call it happy... when I am there. This might seem a strange thing for someone who is such a staunch advocate of natural burials and the creation of woodland burial parks or conservation burial grounds. It's a paradox. On the one hand, I like the idea that my body could simply decompose in the ground, nourishing the local flora and preserving open woodland space for people to enjoy. I like the idea of being 'laid to rest' somewhere like Ramsey Creek- or another of the many new 'green burial grounds' that are opening all over the country. On the other hand, I do find it fascinating and touching to wander through an old graveyard. I like to look at photos of old cemeteries and find the sculptures so evocative, the efforts to honor and remember people in ways that tell their story or reflect their character touch me deeply. Of course, many headstones just sport the (excuse me) 'bare bones' of name, date of birth and death; but tucked in around more quotidian offerings, you can also find humor, anger, bewilderment, grief, hope, and more.

Lone Fir is referred to as a “historically significant green space" here in Portland as our oldest existing cemetery. It is cared for by a non-profit citizen group called Friends of Lone Fir Cemetery and is managed by Portland Metro, our council of regional government.

Their website says that it is "home to every sort of person ever in Portland, from the honored and famous to the notorious, insane, artistic, visionary, suicidal, egotistical, you name it. Suffragettes, leaders in science and medicine, freed slaves, early Jewish settlers to recent Eastern Europeans, all represented." They finish this 'catalog of residents' with an invitation to "come visit; you won't be bored!"

Those Friends of Lone Fir say of this grand old resting place; "A true outdoor museum, Lone Fir reads like a history book on many levels... Sharing stories of Lone Fir’s residents not only provide lessons in history, but also gives perspective on how Portland has evolved over the past 150 years." It's this last that dovetails with another piece of information I ran across recently regarding genealogy research. Tombstones, it seems, are a major source of information when it comes to sorting out family lineage. And since they are easily accessible- they're right out in the open, and they're reliable- you don't usually find "falsified" tombstones; there's a kind of purity and substantiality to them. Finding information about someone from your family online, in a book, in library microfilm, or even in an old photo is one thing, but if genealogy is your thing there's an unmistakable jolt to finding a tombstone over an actual grave of a relative you have never met. Why do you think this is? Friends of Lone Fir say they strive "to preserve headstones of the deceased, the green space they exist in, and the stories of its residents for future generations." I can't find anything 'wrong' with that, in fact, I appreciate and benefit from their effort. I just wonder how this will change as we move into a different way of burying our dead. Here's what I wonder... if we have natural burial grounds, how will information that is currently 'out there' for all to see be managed and made available to heirs or descendants in the future? This is a rather large cultural shift we're talking about, this 'natural burial' idea and it's bound to have layers and layers of implication. One of those layers is this: It could seem that in encouraging one kind of 'do it yourself' project which aims to empower a family, it eliminates another kind of 'do it yourself' family pastime. So, ok, get your thinking caps on because I'm curious to hear from you... What do you think? How could green burial grounds preserve land and provide information for future generations? Please, leave your comments here, and I will explore this issue again in a future article.

This is the feature article from the E-Zine of a Fine Farewell . We post there twice a month, with additional information included in this blog. I invite you to subscribe here.

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell, February 3,, 2010

A Ritual of Blessing for a Home Funeral

2010-01-19T11:44:00.000-08:00

If you are continuing this article from the newsletter, follow the italicized type. Otherwise, start here.

"A Ritual of Blessing for a Home Funeral"

Image Courtesy of Heartslice

Does that word ‘ritual’ set your teeth on edge? I use it deliberately…it’s a word that has gotten a ‘bad name’ in current popular usage—invoking cult activity or arcane irrelevant mumblings. But it’s my opinion that it’s a human instinct to create rituals. We love them and we know, intrinsically, how to use them and what they are for. In western culture we’re often a bit held back in terms of what we think we’re ‘allowed’ to do in a ritual or ceremony. But given a bit of room, I often see beautiful creativity arising out of even the most apparently stolid folks.

Let’s talk about Liminality.

Liminality refers to ‘the space between’, when something or someone is ‘neither here nor there’. A ritual provides liminal space…or perhaps it is better said that it provides space for the liminal to be noticed. And a ritual serves to guide us through a liminal portal delivering us, transformed in some way, to the other side. Think of a wedding-- which originally involved leaving one’s family (this was the original symbolic purpose of being escorted by mother or father to the altar). For the couple, standing before the community in that liminal- “in between”- state, it’s the ritual, then, that guides them through the portal to land safely on the “other side”, in their new life together.

This same kind of transformation can be accomplished when friends or family members take on the sacred task of bathing and dressing the body of someone they love who has died. A ritual for this can be especially helpful whether you have been there and attended the death, or if you are arriving after the fact.

Imagine it like this: Several of you have gathered to honor your dead loved one. You want to bathe and prepare the body, but how? There is some nervousness, certainly there is grief. But you are there, together. One of you lights a candle, then another… and that simple act begins the process.

One of you has brought flowers from a garden…so there are scents of rose, lavender, lilac. Another of you has brought a flute or guitar and begins to gently play music. You gather around the body of your friend, looking deeply, seeing differently. It’s quiet…peaceful in a way that maybe it hasn’t been for some time. One of you has prepared a small table with a basin of warm water, some wash cloths, some towels. One of you scents the water with essential oil, and you , yourself, spontaneously pluck some of the rose petals and float them in the basin. Looking at one another, you all breathe together for a moment …and begin.

Image courtesy of Roger Ericson

After an initial self conscious awkwardness, hands remember how to be tender. Wetting the cloth, you smooth it across the cooling skin, lifting an arm, turning a shoulder. Rinse the cloth and wring it out, hold a hand and bless it. In the stillness you work together, a sacred sense of peacefulness and grace settling over everyone. There are murmurs. Tears shimmer at the edges of eyes or slide down cheeks. Sometimes one of you smiles with a remembrance of something sweet. Some of the flower petals remain here and there on the body and someone begins to offer a blessing where they land. “Bless these feet…that took you so many places….Bless these knees that kept you flexible, Bless this belly that enjoyed many good meals! Bless these hands that held and carried and helped so many. Bless this mouth that spoke with wisdom….” These words just flow out of each one of you…easily, effortlessly…because they make sense, because you knew this person and because these words, they are simply true.

You take the special burial clothing, or a shroud and dress or wrap the body. The ritual has taken on its own life and any sense of shyness or embarrassment is somehow not present. You have entered the liminal space now, and worldly considerations have no meaning or weight here. There is just the grace. You are aware that you are all held in a state of grace. As if from some signal, you find yourselves each with both hands resting on some part of the body of your friend, including the head and the feet, and one of you begins to sing. It’s a song that your friend loved and sang often and you are all comforted by singing it together. Many tears flow, but no one is ashamed. It just feels right.

This is how we can change the way we grieve. This is how we can change the way we come to accept and understand Death. The grief rides along with the deep peace. The caring of the body in this way often brings a profound and settled acceptance. It is from this place that the healing of our loss can begin.

As I write this today I am aware of so many people in Haiti who have no one to do this for them. So many bodies are now in mass graves. What can we do? What I know is that when we offer love, it is always received. It may not be outwardly acknowledged but it never ‘goes to waste’. So I would like to invite you to spend a little bit of time to light a candle and read this passage through once again…maybe with a friend or two…and offer it from your hearts to the ones who have left their bodies so abruptly, and to their families, who long so desperately to be able to care for their dead in a proper and graceful way. I’m doing the same and I thank you from my heart for joining me. Until next time….~Marian

This is the extended article from the E-Zine of a Fine Farewell . We post there twice a month, with additional information included in this blog. I invite you to subscribe here.

Newsletter and blog content copyright A Fine Farewell, January 19, 2010

Natural Burial and Land Conservation

2010-01-05T13:43:00.000-08:00

"Natural Burial and Land Conservation"

"What we're doing is basically land conservation. By setting aside woods for natural burials, we preserve it from development. At the same time, I think we put death in it's rightful place, as part of the cycle of life. Our burials honor the idea of dust to dust." Dr. Billy Campbell

"Conservation Burial Grounds"

The photos from the previous and this issue were taken at Memorial Ecosystems at Ramsey Creek,the nation's first Green Cemetery, established in 1998 in Westminster, South Carolina. There, the "proprietors" Billy and Kimberley Campbell, prefer the term "Natural Burial". They are taking the idea further than many of their erstwhile counterparts by pioneering a new and (ok, I'll say it...) 'well grounded' concept called "Conservation Burial". This honors the dead and the living, conserves land and preserves and enhances biodiversity. (Biodiversity is a good thing--the term refers to the variety of genes, species and ecosystems within a given area--which could be your stomach, the ocean, or in this case, many dedicated acres of land. In general, the greater the variety of genes, species and ecosystems, the greater the health of the location.) The Campbells have a concise definition for what they do at Ramsey Creek.

"'Conservation Burial', very simply is natural burial that serves a higher, significant conservation purpose."

Kimberly brings it home in a personal way when she says what they've been doing is to "establish conservation burial as a meaningful option, that hopefully helps with healing broken hearts and broken landscapes..."

In a world where 'Green' has been identified as a "hot new marketing trend", there is concern that "the public will be confused, and might not recognize the difference between a superficially green (“green-washing”) project and one that makes a significant contribution to conservation and sustainability." At Ramsey Creek, there is no slap dash green washing going on. The land is stewarded conscientiously, even lovingly, native plants carefully nourished (just look at the photos on their website!), graves sited mindfully and most often dug by hand. In some cases a recent gravesite can "be one of the most diverse and sensitive spots in the vicinity ". Listen to what they say about their philosphy for managing the land; "The whole idea is that each burial protects and lovingly restores a specific spot. Burial is not a waste of land, it protects and restores the land. Much of the expense is dedicated to this process. Some options might be less expensive, but not as good for the environment."

I've met Billy and Kimberley and heard them speak passionately and humorously about their journey toward creating this option and keeping it going in the face of many kinds of trials and opposition. Their idea is taking hold now, and they have recently acquired another parcel of land to begin restoring in their patient and careful way. At Memorial Ecosystems they've really set the standard for beauty and conservation in natural burials . We, A Fine Farewell, wish them continued growth and success, and thank them for the work they continue to do. Please visit them at www.memorialecosystems.com.

This is the extended article from the E-Zine of a Fine Farewell . We post there twice a month, with additional information included in this blog, I invite you to subscribe here.

Green Burial

2009-12-14T13:17:00.000-08:00

*Photo Courtesy of Ramsey Creek
Today, December 16th, 2009, I launched my first e-zine, here is the complete featured article.

"Green Burial"
You might have heard of this...or maybe it's a totally new (and weird-sounding) concept. It's a relatively recent 'meme' in the world of sustainability. But it's really a very old idea. When we think of burials or cemeteries,we don't immediately think "green". Connecting the word 'green' with 'death' might bring to mind something left too long in the back of the refrigerator, rather than ecological burial practices! But let's give it some thought.

If you’ve lived a whole life aimed toward living lightly on the earth—recycling your trash, eating organic food, avoiding chemicals and pollutants—why would you abandon all of that at the end?

So what is a Green Burial? Here's a basic description. The body is not embalmed. A biodegradable casket, shroud or other burial covering or container is used. There is no 'grave liner'. And it's best if the grave is less than the proverbial "6 Feet Under",to give the microbes responsible for that 'ultimate act of recycling' a fighting chance. (Be honest, that gave you a little shudder, didn't it?--But you might think of it this way; It's your last and precious gift to the earth to let her digest your remains to make new soil!)

I know most of us don't give much thought to the lack of biodegradable containers for burial, or the toxicity of embalming fluid. Even if you've thought ahead and chosen a simple wooden casket, you may not be aware that it will probably be encased in a concrete "grave liner" rather than lowered directly into the earth.

This lack of awareness is partly because as a culture, we're in a lot of denial about death. We don't examine these options until we’re actually making arrangements for the death of someone we love. (not the best time to make an informed choice). And in many modern funeral homes and cemeteries, our choices are fairly limited. But that is beginning to change as the generation who invented "Earth Day" begins to face mortality.

The good news is that the number of Green Burial sites here in the U.S. is growing. Conventional cemeteries are even starting to dedicate sections for green burial. If you're Jewish, you've got a head start on this. Jewish burial custom includes all of the above---simple wooden box, burial shrouds, no embalming and the casket in direct contact with the earth, and Jewish cemeteries have long been managed accordingly. Many of the new Green Burial sites go so far as to stipulate no headstones, just grass, trees and native plants or flowers. Graves are mapped, for ease of location. (sometimes GPS is used) Some allow a tree, plant, or flat indigenous stone to serve as a simple marker. The idea is that the land used this way creates a nature preserve for generations to enjoy strolling, hiking, picnicking or simply contemplating. In this way, we honor both the living and the dead...right there altogether, where we belong.

This is the extended article from the E-Zine of a Fine Farewell . We post there twice a month, with additional information included in this blog, I invite you to subscribe here.

Over My Dead Body~Through the Portal

2009-08-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends,
Long time, no post... It's been a very busy summer at A Fine Farewell. I've got a new website! Please visit www.afinefarewell.com . You'll find more photos, more information and resources as well as links to upcoming events and classes.
Something I've been working on most recently is an art installation designed to inspire people to (of course) think differently about Death. It's happening in what was once a retirement home which is slated to be renovated into live/work spaces for artists. The event is called "The Manor of Art" and houses 100 installations by 100 local artists. If you're local, stop by! Info at www.portlandcityart.org . It's open all week, through the 22nd. Here's what the Portland Mercury had to say about it...
"Possibly the most fitting show for an old retirement home, Marian Spadone is displaying her biodegradable burial shrouds and caskets. Using two rooms and the connecting hallway, Spadone takes on death as a transition, "using organic materials to create a quiet, earthy meditative environment in the first room while the hallway will feature a lighter tone, leading to a room that suggests how a 'home funeral' might play out." While many artists take on death and the spiritual, Spadone does so directly, without hesitation, bringing calmness to the transition."
The exhibit features a beautiful new shroud I've made (I'll post a picture this week) and I've had lots of opportunities to do what I love...talk to people and hear their thoughts, feelings and stories about Death. I get to be there all week! Drop on by.
Thanks for checking in. Blessings to all of you.
~Marian

Shroud Lady talks about Art and Death in Arcata, CA!

2009-04-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

Shroud Lady talks about Art and Death in Arcata, CA!
(Photo graciously offered from Frisco Ramirez...whose site I will talk about in another posting soon!)

"Funeral fun at the Fellowship Saturday"
That's the headline on page three of the
Arcata Eye...the local community newspaper. I'm the keynote speaker here for the annual meeting of the Humboldt Funeral Consumers Alliance. I'm pleased to have been invited by member Charlotte August who has put together the program with the theme of Death and Art.

(And yes, those are bones in the picture!...from the Seldec Ossuary in the Czech Republic)
I'm happy for the chance to develop an area of my presentation that I usually only touch on...and I've had great fun collecting images (obviously!) to illustrate my premise, which is that
'Making art from and for the post-mortal body is a deeply human impulse'.
It seems to me that art and creativity are most excellent tools with which to address death and grieving....and that humans have known this for a very long time. Along with the simple and dignified process of caring for the body of someone we love who has died, creating art that expresses our feelings is something that people have done since the beginning. Neanderthal humans buried their dead with flowers. 17th century Romans and Parisians laid their dead to rest in the catacombs, visiting the dressed skeletons and arranging bones of older 'residents' into elaborate patterns and archways and murals. Mid 19th century Americans made elaborate photographic portraits of their dead loved ones....and also made 'mourning jewelry' from their hair, intricately woven into bracelets and brooches. That's just a small smattering. It turns out that Death can really fuel a creative impulse!
I call myself an Artist but I don't think that means that I have the market cornered on creativity. Being creative is a function of being human. So tomorrow, when I speak, I'm going to share a few of the more startling artistic expressions I've found addressing Death... and hopefully inspire people to unleash that well of powerful inspiration that can bubble up as we take a closer look at our feelings about the ending of a life.
So go on! make that chandelier out of those skeletons you've got hiding in your closets!
I'll let you know how the talk goes!
~Marian

Big Doings at A Fine Farewell!

2009-04-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

BIG DOINGS AT A FINE FAREWELL!

First, oddly, I can't seem to correct the date on this post! It's actually Sunday, April 19, 2009!
So... in this time of spring, Easter, Passover, and general indications of "risin' up from bein' dead", I'm wanting to report some new developments for A Fine Farewell. Today I am featured in an article in the NY Times, Business section, about funeral alternatives, http://tinyurl.com/d32hwa
I've also launched my new website, (version one, anyway!) in time for this incredible opportunity. www.afinefarewell.com

Today's picture is the one from the article, taken by photographer Brian Lee, www.brianleephoto.com/ Brian's a pleasant fellow based here in Portland. The Times sent him out on Monday and we had a lively couple of hours yakking and snapping pictures in my new studio. And here's one more of those little 'confirmations' from the Universe that I am so often startled and delighted by.... Brian's assistant, Scooter, (he never did tell me his last name!) told me he had been in the military and been part of the Honor Guard. According to Wikipedia; "The primary purpose of an honor guard is to provide funeral honors for fallen comrades." Now, how 'coincidental' is that? I can't tell you how many of these sorts of 'coincidences' arise as I pursue this work.
He told me some wonderful information about the symbolism in the stately, comforting ceremony that is offered for the families of our military dead. And I thanked him for the gift he'd given to those soldiers and their families.
It's Sunday, and I'm headed to my Sunday dance class....my 'reset button' for the week. Enjoy the article, and remember to take a peek at my new website! www.afinefarewell.com
and I'll be having a 'guest blogger' for my next posting...stay tuned!
Blessings to all,
~Marian

Green Burial at the Green Festival!

2009-04-06T23:05:00.001-07:00

GREEN Burial at the Green Festival!
Hello My Friends!
I'm back from the Green Festival in Seattle, which was last weekend. You can see me in the picture, with Char Barrett, from A Sacred Moment. There we are, under the banner of the People's Memorial Funeral Cooperative...the Seattle chapter of the Funeral Consumers Alliance.
The whole Festival was just a splendid experience! I'm thankful to Char for inviting me up there to help out in the booth. She prominently displayed one of my shrouds, which she uses in teaching her home funeral guidance workshops. In addition, we had two different biodegradable caskets in the booth with us. One made of wicker and the other of sea grass. And a projection screen with a cool video running. It made for a pretty eye-catching display!

In terms of my mission, I must say that this was a great experience for me. It was such an interesting place for us to be... sharing our message where it was least expected!
I had the experience countless times each day of watching people move toward our booth, watch the video on the screen (from one of Char's workshops), and then try to 'grok' what they were seeing as they looked at the shroud.
I'd walk toward them and say something like "Not what you were expecting to see at the Green Festival, eh?" They'd look at me and say "No! It's not!"
And then I'd say; "Think of it like this...if you live most of your life trying to embody principles of sustainability, why would you stop at the very end? "

The light would just go *on* in that moment and we'd begin talking. As all of us in the booth fielded questions and helped people to get over this little 'hurdle' of not quite believing they could actually stand there and talk about Death, we heard the most heartful expressions of gratitude! We'd talk about the People's Memorial, about Home Funerals, Green Burials...about the choices and options people have for (literally!) 'Going Green'. (that got a few laughs). We answered lots of questions, we listened to poignant stories, we passed out cards and brochures, we made contact with many hearts, and we helped open many minds.

It was extremely satisfying to see people walk away from our booth feeling relieved and empowered.
* Relieved to know that they have options to personalize and"re-sacralize" the experience of a death and funeral ceremony.
* Empowered to make a sustainable choice for the end of their lives or the lives of those they love, and also empowered to wake up from this pervasive cultural trance around the subject of death.

I am still so moved by this! Lately I've been in another swirl of intense focus on the 'left brain details' of building my business. There at the festival I was nourished by all of those people sharing all of their stories. That's why I do this work. Sometimes I think of my work as simply giving people "permission" --to honor Death in ways that are sacred, creative and satisfying.
( and, to be honest, I'd really like to add "fun" to that list!)
Thank you again,Char, for inviting me, and thanks too, to Jan, John Eric and the others who helped out in our booth.
Blessings 'til next time,
~Marian

Gone But Not Forgotten... Our Military Dead

2009-03-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

Gone But Not Forgotten...Our Military Dead
The news reported the other day that our President had requested a policy review which led to lifting a ban from the press. The order banned showing photographs of the flag draped caskets of our military dead in our newspapers and magazines. Thank You, President Obama and Defense Secretary Gates.
I've written before about the gag orders on the press regarding the showing of bodies. Not only of our military dead, but also, for instance, the bodies of people who died during Hurricane Katrina.
I see this censorship as a symptom of the larger 'dis-ease' of denial. I believe that the lifting of this ban will help all of us to achieve a measure of spiritual and cultural maturity by looking clearly at something that is uncomfortable to see.
If we are never allowed to see the bodies of our dead, if we are never allowed to be present to the vast variety of feelings that can arise for those left behind, if we are told as a child, that looking at something that has died (even a bug, a bird, a chipmunk on the road), is 'bad' or 'dirty' or 'disgusting', then we have no context within which to put the experience of death when it happens to someone we are close to. It's not the time, when a death occurs, for us to do a lifetime's worth of work toward understanding, incorporating and accepting the presence of Death in Life.
It's too much to do in that one moment.
Integration of an idea...
Ideally, we could simply accept the presence of Death in Life. Here is a way of thinking about it... What if we imagine death as a door that opens and closes? And what if the door we go through when we die is the same one that opened to let us in when we were born? What if we come into this dimensional world from the same place that we return to? This might mean that when we die, we arent' going somewhere unfamiliar! I'm just offering another way of thinking on this. And as you know by now, another 'take' on it all is what I'm after.
Perhaps you have seen some of that colorful Mexican artwork of skeletons dressed in clothing--wearing tuxedos or hardhats or evening gowns or other types of clothing. At first I just didn't "get" these images. I was sort of 'afraid' of the skeleton, expecting it to 'harm' me in some way--because that's what skeletons do! (I'd been shown and taught this many ways by my culture). But these images ...they're just so whimsical! I mean some of them are really funny! If we think of Death in this way, engaging our humor, it makes room to also feel our power and our creativity. If we can accept Death enough to joke with it,( "Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death hates that!")* to talk about it, to poke fun at Death in the way those dressed up skeletons do, we can begin to accept its inevitability. We can stop wasting the huge amounts of energy we spend pretending we can forestall or prevent death. We can begin using that energy to creatively engage in how we want to LIVE...and as in my previous post, what kind of "Going Away Party" we might want to have when the time comes to die.
Morbid, Melancholic and Morose?
Look, I want us to develop a relationship with Death. I want to be able to say 'Death is around us all the time' without having someone think I am morose. I'm not morose. In fact, I think we could all lighten up a bit about Death.
Let me be clear. I am not poking fun at people who have died, or the people who miss those people. It's not that I think we shouldn't grieve when someone we love dies. On the contrary! I think that if we accept the presence of death, then we are free to feel all of the feelings that arise when it happens to someone we know and love. We can say out loud "They died". We can use the actual words, "She's dead." "His death."
If we don't have to hide the word, and we don't have to hide the images of death, then we don't have to hide our feelings about it either. When we actually see more images around us of the death that occurs daily, we are not so fearfully 'surprised' by death. We don't imagine it as an adversary engaging us in a fight we must win at all costs. (how impossible that is!) This is how we might heal and grow and come into that spiritual maturity I talked about earlier. And this is why I do what I do. I want all of my work to give people 'permission' to see and honor death in ways that are sacred, creative, satisfying and real.
So Thank You, President Obamba and Secretary Gates. I'm very grateful to have the chance to see and honor and yes, grieve for those soldiers and their families by simply being visually present to the fact of their deaths. I offer my thoughts of love and appreciation to all of them and my wish for the families to move with grace and support through their time of grief.
Blessings to all,
~Marian
*quote from Matt Frewer

How Fine a Thing to be at One's Own Funeral

2008-06-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

"How Fine a Thing to be at One's Own Funeral"

No....I'm not talking about the 'Yikes, now I'm a ghost!' kind of being at one's own funeral. I've got a different idea. What if you COULD actually be there at your own funeral...or at the "rehearsal" of it? What if you planned a party with your funeral as the theme?

Now wait, don't think I've gone off the deep end...(well, you can if you want, I suppose....but listen...)
I had a friend years ago, who was known for ( among other things) his many varieties of home made wine, ( Dandelion, Peach, Strawberry, etc. ), and his long, blond/brown hair, which he wore tied back in a braid as thick as my wrist. (this figures later in the story) He also sported the requisite 'mountain man' beard and moustache , like many of his friends at the time.
One year he invited everyone to a big party that he referred to as his ' Wake'. There were some awkward jokes about why he was having a 'wake' for himself but he was a guy who was kind of hard to know deeply and his sense of humor tended toward the wry or sometimes caustic. At this 'wake', toasted him as we drank all the different kinds of wine that he made, and we laughed and talked into the night. Before we left, he did say that he wanted everyone to drink up the last of his home made wine "when the actual time came," whenever that would be.
As it turns out, that's just what we did. About 6 months after that first 'wake', we were all unexpectedly gathered again, in the presence of our friend's cremated remains. He'd fallen asleep at the wheel one night on the way home. His volkswagen bus hit a telephone pole, and the driver's seat was not bolted to the floor. Yeah. We all pondered similar things about that. But he was gone. And he'd left us our instructions. Which we did improvise upon.
Thinking about this now, I have to say that his was likely my most favorite funeral.
We hiked through the February snow to a gorge filled with Hemlock trees--a place he'd turned many of us on to-- and we stood circled near the adjacent river talking about who he was to us. I played a song on my guitar and sang...others read poems or just shared memories. A few tossed a single rose or other flower into the moving water. Then his best buddy pried the lid off the metal cannister which contained what was left of our friend. None of us had ever seen 'cremains' before. There was a silence as Bill fumbled a bit with the lid. He opened it and looked down for a very long 10 seconds or so then looked up at us and said quizzically "You'd have thought there would have been more...hair."
All the tensions 'poofed' at that moment as we shared a good chuckle and then passed the tin around and each took a handful. We scattered his ashes all around that place and after a few more words hugs and tears, made our way back to finish off the remaining varieties of our vintner's harvest. Many tears and toasts for our friend and his strange kind of forethought.

So I'm just asking...what if we did this kind of thing more often? I mean what if it was more culturally acceptable to have a funeral rehearsal? Like we have rehearsal dinners for weddings and such? I'm just asking....(it's my job!)

I've got more thoughts on this idea...different perspectives, conversations and further imaginings...which I'll put in the next post. Feel free to share your own stories or thoughts...or plans for your own shindig!
love, Marian

I know he's dead... But I don't want Change.

2008-06-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

"I know he's dead...but I don't want Change."
I was listening to a story on NPR about a small town in Romania. There was a mayoral election, but the front running candidate who had been a popular mayor there for many years took ill and died while the voting was still going on. I mean during the election. Amazingly, when the votes were all counted, the dead fellow had won by 23 votes!!
Yes, that's right. They elected a Dead Man.
The reporter asked a resident of the town-, a man who voted for the deceased- why he voted for a man who was dead.
He said, "I know he's dead...but I don't want Change."
Well, that about says it eh?
I don't want change either. I mean, well, I do, yes. I say I do. I can think of lots of things that I want to be different. My very mission is about *changing* the way our culture faces Death. But inside of that, I find all these little ways that I am resistant to change. Ways and habits that I'm comfortable with. Things I don't want to have to learn to do differently.
I'm changing the way I am marketing my creations. I've begun calling them burial and cremation shrouds, and I am changing my market....moving further into the arena of pet shrouds.
I'm changing the way I see my business...and myself in it. Changing the furniture around in my studio. Changing the companies I buy fabric from. Changing the designs little by little all the time. I keep thinking I want it all to 'settle down' into some 'reliable' process or product or market. But I'm not sure I really want that. I think something in me likes to keep 'fiddling' with it.
It's a funny kind of push and pull, this change thing.
So I have no clear 'conclusion' here about the subject of change. I like the sign I've seen on a tip jar in a restaurant "If you fear change, leave it here." Though here's another change...folks on the street who ask for money don't ask for 'spare change' anymore...they ask for 'a buck' or 'a couple of bucks'. Change.
Like I said. I don't have a conclusion to these ruminations. But I do know one thing.
I'm not voting for the dead guy.

Happy Solstice, Friends.
Love,
Marian

2008-05-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

2008-05-26T11:53:00.001-07:00

Notes from Under the Fog
Portland in May. Rain. A little sun. Rain. Grey. Fog. Rain.
I've been away from posting for a time. Working all the many layers of establishing a means of income from this mission of mine. Thinking I don't "have anything to say". Wanting to be crafting some cleverly perfect musings about Death. Sharp natters. Insightful commentary. Barf. This isn't my 'novel' --it's my blog. I get to write in it! Sometimes it's all of those things I listed. Sometimes it's different. Like today.

During the time 'away' I've been learning on my new sewing machine all about 'free motion quilting'- which is a feature I am adding to the shrouds. I've been making more of the pet shrouds, meeting with veterinarians, sourcing biodegradable ribbon (harder than you might think....) . I've been using the lovely embroidery features on the new machine to trim the shrouds I'm making. I'm writing new brochure copy, consulting about the website, researching micro-loans, venture capital, angel investors, etc. etc. I've almost got my new logo done, am about to have a photo shoot, about to launch the website....(sooon....sooon....)

And for some reason have encountered a large layer of terror.

Feels like a big lumpy 'something' under a rug in the doorway. Sometimes, somehow I step over it, or cringe around it....or, lots of times I just sit in the room feeling like I can't get past it. What does it mean to really really put these shrouds 'out there' in a *bigger* way in the world? What am I fearful of? Getting it right? getting it wrong? getting too many orders? getting no orders?
There's some kind of perfectionism lurking here, I know it. I just read something about this from, 'Art and Fear' by David Bayles and Ted Orland, quoted in a book about quilting creatively. Here's an excerpt...

The ceramics teacher announced on opening day that he was dividing the class into two groups. All those on the left side of the studio would be graded solely on the quantity of work they produced, all those on the right solely on its quality. His procedure was simple: on the final day of class he would bring in his bathroom scales and weigh the work of the "quantity" group:. 50 lbs. of pots rated an "A", 40 lbs. a "B" and so on. Those being graded on "quality", however, needed to produce only one pot-albeit a perfect one- to get an "A." Well, came grading time and a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity. It seems that while the "quantity" group was busily churning out piles of work-and learning from their mistakes-the "quality" group had sat theorizing about the perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay... To require perfection is to invite paralysis.

Every day there is something to be done. Every day there is fabric, thread, batting, ribbon, and time-- to spend...to 'waste'...to create things with. A day with no 'product' isn't necessarily wasted.
Doing Doing Doing....No one thing I do is any more important, really, than any other. It's easy to see that when I'm, say, on retreat and deep into the silence. But the world out here seems so convincing in its urgency. So emphatically sure of the hierarchy of tasks and the necessity of a ' finished, perfect product'.

It seems like I'm waiting for something to be "done". (preferably perfectly) in order to have it 'out there' for 'public consumption'. Maybe this is what has stopped me from writing these last several weeks....I don't 'have anything "done".
And now, in my mind, I am hearing my octegenarian friend, Jean. Once, in a conversation about wanting to be 'done' with things she said to me "Done? DONE?! ... 'Done' is Dead, Dear!"
I'm smiling again. She cracked me up with that one. There's nothing like a good perspective check.
So...I'm not done. Still here. Glad you are too.
~Marian

Goodbye to "Bear"

2008-04-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a while....2 "craft nights" have gone by (reference to last posting...) I'm sewing a lot on my new machine...learning my way around it's computerized features. I'm doing some lovely quilting on the newer pattern shrouds. I also just received a shipment of beautiful colors of linen and I'm happy to be working with these richly saturated shades. It's satisfying to me to be bringing color into the work now.
I've got a friend who is a clothing designer. She just participated in a fashion show here and it's got me thinking in strange terms ...."The spring line of shrouds features daring new colors..." Well, why not?
I've been preparing for some professional photo shoots for the work. And also about to meet with interested veterinarians to talk about the pet shrouds. That's a conversation I am looking forward to~!
And in the midst of this, last week I heard from the friends for whom I'd made the first pet shroud. Their dog, Bear, had finally reached the place where he couldn't walk and was in more pain than medication could handle. The vet was on the way and they were waiting with Bear, saying goodbye. I made his shroud several weeks ago, so they were prepared. I'd made a special cushion inside on which I had quilted an image of a zuni 'spirit bear'. When he died, they laced him into it and carried him to the grave they'd dug and lined with flowers. I would like to have been there. It sounded so beautiful.
So now I want to thank Bear, and his people, for asking me to make his shroud. Not only for the trust they put in me to make something fitting for his departure, but because applying myself to a completely new design that wasn't for humans actually sparked and inspired my newest design that is for people. How cool is that?
So Thanks... and Goodbye, Bear.
~Marian

Shroud Lady Goes To Craft Night

2008-04-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

Wow, So many things are happening in the world of "the shroud lady"!
In my ever changing journey to dispel myself of the fiction that I don't know how to manage a business, I have availed myself of several wonderful (and a few lackluster) opportunities. All of them fruitful in some ways, hardly any of them in the ways I expected. That's fine though...it's all good grist for the mill and all that. But before I begin waxing philosophic this early in the post, let's get down to the story of the week.

I've been working on creating THE perfect shroud design for a while now. I have a few good ones, each with a different feature, but lately I've been wanting to create something that does it all....covers the body, comforts the ones who grieve, incorporates my signature lacing system, can be used instead of a casket and actually carried by pallbearers, AND is biodegradable as well as beautiful.
There are many small details in coming up with something that does all this. Choosing the right fabrics. A pleasing and functional shape. Size and placement of handles and reinforced support panels. Figuring out 'standard' sizes to offer. Choosing and refining the images and patterns for the quilted parts. I'm not going to talk a bunch about all that...just letting you in on a few of the processes I'm involved in.
But here comes the heart of the story.
I was close enough to "finished" with the pieces of this latest design, and needed a willing 'model', so I brought it with me to 'Craft Night'. I meet weekly with several folks interested in various crafts from modern times to the medieval period. At any given evening there might be someone knitting, sewing 'garb', doing mending, creating armor, tooling leather, illuminating a manuscript, making chain mail or decorating wedding invitations. I showed up that night with some knitting--- and with all the pieces of this current shroud design.
Now, I am a recent addition to this group, but many of them know me because my daughter is part of this bunch of medieval re-enactors. They also know I make burial shrouds and have seen the ones I have been working on for pets....but they've never really seen a 'people shroud'.
I unrolled it all and put the layers together and asked my daughter to lie down and test it out.
I didn't make an announcement, but it was a small room and it didn't take long for people to notice what was happening. There was a "Whoa!" and a "Hey...what's going on there?" and then a short silent pause. I explained what I was up to...and that I wanted to take this chance of having enough people in one place to try it on someone and carry them around in it. As I worked, someone said to my grown daughter "Hey Rainbow....is it a little strange to have your Mom there wrapping you up in a burial shroud!?"
My daughter, bless her little cotton socks, didn't miss a beat. She shrugged her swathed shoulders and said, "Who better?". Indeed. Exactly.
I continued on, describing my idea and showing how each part fit to the next. When she was all covered, I asked folks to line up on either side--even recruiting the host's teen daughter and a friend--to take hold of the handles. "Ok! On the count of three;
One.....Two.....Three....Up!
We easily lifted this precious bundle and carried her a little ways. It worked! Beautifully! Before we set her down, we all just spontaneously 'rocked' her back and forth a bit. Someone asked her how it felt. There was a pause...and she said "really good". There was some joking and some laughter, all pretty lighthearted. We began to set her down. "Hey! Gently!" she said from inside the linen. We gave her a soft landing and then I unwrapped and refolded the pieces.

There was a little bit of discussion. People were glad to have finally seen one- seen what I have been talking about all this time. They liked it. We talked a little bit more before folks returned to their own projects and conversations. It was all very 'casual' and this makes me happy. I know this small, casual introduction of something we never talk about or see (much less, 'try on'!) before the painful moment of actually needing it, will have a long ripple effect.

May I never actually have to do this for my daughter....because as we all know, children are 'supposed to' outlive their parents... (sadly it doesn't always work that way).
Still...there is something stirring and gently comforting about having done this with her, and it has left me
( when I actually let myself think about it) with another layer of tenderness toward my daughter and gratitude for each minute of the life we've had together.

It's been a part of my spiritual practice to look at those things I have the most attachment to and imagine myself without them. To go into meditation and consider each one and imagine it gone. There's the material things that make up my life here...house, car, dishes, clothes etc....."gone"....... there's the memories..."gone"..... the ideas of who I am,"gone"..... the dreams of what I want to become...."gone"..... the body I live in (oooh...that's a hard one)..."gone"..... and in between, there's the breath and simple attention.
On a long retreat, when I was feeling a deep peaceful acceptance with these practices I decided to test my equanimity. I decided to imagine my daughter "gone". Gone as in Dead.
There was a long spiraling "Noooooooo!" in the mind. A clenching. And a weird sort of 'bounce'. It's not that I broke the silence, or that I ran screaming from the meditation hall...I didn't blow up or fall apart or anything. It wasn't so dramatic. There was enough presence to remember that this was a practice. But the mind just wasn't about to stay there, with that thought for very long! That one definitely broke the "bubble" of concentration!!
Still, I'm glad I did it. Opened that door. It's a useful edge to investigate.

So last week, when I wrapped my daughter in that shroud, amidst all that casual talk and laughter, I guess that was me still working with that practice. And if I hadn't made the commitment to write this blog, I may not have linked those two things together...may have missed this opportunity to "notice attachment". Yep. There it is. I'm still attached. To my daughter and her being in the world a long time with me.
I'm not worried about it. Seeing it is all the work that's needed.
I love you , Rainbow.
Thanks everyone....
~Marian

Risin' Up from Bein' Dead

2008-03-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

Some people call this Easter. This year Easter is unusually close to it's pagan 'counterpart', Eostara or Spring Equinox. Then too, we've had the full moon and I'm told, a few other interesting astrological occurrences in these last few days. All in all it's been a whirl of a week.
The Easter tradition that I grew up with is all about Death and Resurrection. The rituals in the church of my childhood took up most of this week with what we were taught to call the 'Passion of Christ'.
This signified the time in which this controversial fellow "...was crucified, died and was buried" and then ( here comes the clincher...) "on the third day he rose again from the Dead."

In one way, this sort of condenses the "story" that goes on in nature for the roughly 6 months between the Fall and Spring Equinoxes. ( In the northern hemisphere anyway). Not the crucifixion part literally, but the laboring and dying and fading away and then after a time, a rebirth. I love this time of year. I love the promise of it.

I think often about this story about Jesus and the impact it had on me as a child. I think about those women to whom the care of the body of Jesus was entrusted. It's kind of like it was the first 'home funeral' I ever heard about. They took him down from the cross. They bathed and anointed and wrapped his body in linen. They put him in a shroud. And they put him in a "tomb" and then rolled a big stone in front of it. I had so many questions about this! Was the tomb above ground or under? Was it a cave? How come it looked like that in the pictures in my missal? How did those women roll that big stone in front of the opening? How did they find a stone that big lying around?
Then after all that work...they go back a few days later and he's gone! Not just disappeared, no, he clearly must have "woken up" because got "undressed"~! He took off the shroud! He left the wrappings! This is big stuff for a small girl. I pondered the drama of this moment a lot. He woke up! From being dead! And took off his shroud!
When I first started to make burial shrouds, I wanted to find a picture or a pattern of one. At that time almost all of my searches ( especially on the internet ) yielded only entries and pictures of part of the very shroud that Jesus was to have left behind. It's now called the "Shroud of Turin" (because it's in a museum there) and is purportedly the cloth that covered Jesus in the tomb. They think this because the image of his face is somehow 'burned' or in some mystical way imprinted into the cloth. This is all quite fascinating, but it doesn't give much clue as to the design or pattern of a whole shroud. And there is of course controversy about the origins of this most sacred relic of the Church. But it's called a shroud. THE shroud. Hmmmm.....

I never know what I'm going to write about when I start these posts. I had no idea that this entry would lead me to this place but I'm smiling thinking of the way one thing can lead to another. I'd not ever thought of this link between me and Jesus and Home Funerals....But there it is.
OH! and Happy Easter!
~Marian

Good Deeds

2008-03-14T17:25:00.001-07:00

Good Deeds
What should I write about this week? I've been quite busy with the "business end" of things. Making a business that supports me from this work of my calling is being quite the journey.
It seems I've spent the first part of this "Fine Farewell" endeavor studying, and sharing what I've learned...getting the heart of the work established. I've been finding out what people think and figuring out what they might need to know in order for me to fulfill my mission of changing the way Western culture faces Death. This part, while not exactly easy, has been work that feels 'natural' to me. It's all 'right brain'. Juicy, connective. Guiding people into the contemplation of this mystery. I have an affinity for this sort of work. It makes sense to me.
At the end of last year I began focusing more and more on the 'left brain' aspect of it all...and it's been quite the challenge! How does one stay grounded ( yes, I did say grounded....) in the actual mechanics of transactions and negotiations while engaged so deeply in the emotions of this kind of practice?
I've made a lot of shrouds...I keep changing the design bit by bit. I've 'practiced' with them on various friends and neighbors (one of my neighbors in Ashland was quite the willing model...and he told me I should call my business "Duds for Dead Folks"-people just love to find humor in this!). And I've written recently that I'm making shrouds for pets as well. However, the truth is that I haven't sold a whole lot of them yet.
I understand this...it's why I've spent so much time on the education part of this thing. But I want people to be using them.
Well....it's starting to happen.
Two weeks ago, my friend Kristin, the vet had occasion to use 3 shrouds in the space of 4 days. She was so pleased with them...and related that the families were also moved and truly helped by seeing their animals wrapped -or in some cases helping with the wrapping-in this way for burial or cremation.
Then something else happened that has moved me deeply. Last week I had the opportunity to offer one of my shrouds for someone who was homeless and had no next of kin to make any kind of arrangements for them. I was able to bring one of my shrouds to the funeral home and wrap this person in it, lacing it up, tucking it in and tying the ribbons. I tucked in a few sprigs of dried lavender tied with a ribbon, and then arranged three camellias I'd cut from the huge blooming bush outside my front door. It looked beautiful.
I didn't know how I would feel, I just knew it was a potent opportunity.
How I felt was deliberate, peaceful and very 'clean'. There wasn't any emotional 'stuckness'. There was just a sense of the honoring of this person's life and a gratitude for all the circumstances that led me to that moment to offer my presence.
What happened was a simple, fundamental human experience-- I got to perform a 'good deed'....and I felt a solid sense of having done something that will return to me in ways that I don't even know about yet.
Lucky me.
Thanks.
~Marian

Hospice and the Post Mortal Body

2008-03-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

Hospice and the Post Mortal Body

"Dying Well" was the title of the radio program today, which interviewed the Executive Director of Oregon Hospice, Ann Jackson. Two friends alerted me about it ( I'd already flagged it for myself) and I decided to try and participate. I didn't quite make if from the phone queue to being on-air but I did post online. (see OPB.org "Think Out Loud")
I genuinely appreciate Hospice as a concept and the many compassionate and dedicated organizations providing Hospice care and education for people engaged with Death. I've been a volunteer, and my mother was cared for through Hospice in her dying process. In my experiences, and in conversations with many different folks, I've wondered something about Hospice. Where is the line...and where might it be, with regard to Hospice care just after Death?

I live in Oregon, the only state where it is legal to obtain a physician's aid in dying. I'm proud of my state and I appreciate being here in this climate that nourishes my penchant for pushing the edge regarding how we face Death.
So I'm thinking today (again) about the potential role of Hospice in Home Care of the Dead.
First, it seems that some education is in order. From Hospice workers to doctors and nurses, from hospital staff and administrators to workers at the Department of Vital Records and even to legislators themselves, many people who are actually involved in the processes and 'regulations' connected with dying and death do not actually know what the law says in terms of what can happen with a post-mortal body. ( I'm sorry that was such a long sentence!)
As I've said here before, most folks simply call the funeral home and that's that...even if they might want to sit with their dead one's body. They think it's not really 'safe' or 'proper' or even legal to do so. In a case where Hospice is involved this process could be greatly helped.

The kind of care--the moving and bathing and dressing the body of someone who is dying--that kind of care which a family is already familiar with can be done in a loving and ceremonial way after someone has died. What's not clear to me (nor is it really clearly set out in Hospice guidelines) is whether a family can request help with this from Hospice and how far that assistance will go.
Of course, there are other considerations in a Home Funeral...and there are places to find out answers to those considerations. I'm not suggesting that Hospice would want to try to be involved in the Home Funeral movement... ( not right now, anyway! ). But they could help a family begin the process of caring for the body and they could be better informed to help families explore the options available. 'Seems consistent with their work to empower the family to further embrace the Dying and the Death of the person they loved.
I'll be meeting with various Hospice-connected folks soon to talk about this very thing. I'll let you know what I find out. Meanwhile, let me know what you think, too!
Thanks
~Marian

A Cut to the Chase at Bridal Veil Falls

2008-02-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

It's late Sunday night, my night to post. I'm all over the place tonight. I can feel the energy of Spring. I can feel the change about to happen. Outside I can see the green life breaking up through the decay, the dead fronds and leaves and bug carcasses all there feeding the new shoots.
What a mystery! How does it know when to start up like this? Mute, innate, purposeful, confident, sure....a list I wouldn't mind being used to describe me and the 'green life' of my own business/art/mission. Especially those last two.
I took myself to Bridal Veil Falls yesterday. A slow walk down to the bridge and up to the platform to stand in the mist and hear the ondine's song. I stood for a long while, breathing slow and deep. Later I hiked on to the overlook, and I spoke with two women as we took in the view of the river. We talked about the place a bit, and about living in Portland, and they asked what my work was.
It's an interesting experience to answer this question. I'm still fine tuning my words to speak my vision clearly in the world.
"I'm an artist and I make burial shrouds."
I've learned to carry on calmly when people blanch, and to remain open to the startled look and quick recovery. I just keep calmly talking.
"I like to think of a burial shroud as a ceremonial wrapping for the body of someone we love who has died."
(oh good...I haven't lost them...in fact they're leaning in just the slightest bit...)
" I also encourage people to think differently about standard burials or cremations...to bring the idea of sustainability into the picture.". I get nods, and I can see the frozen gears begin to turn again. I warm up to my subject.
"Maybe even consider the idea of Home Funerals."
I truly love to speak with people about this. I'm a 'cut to the chase' kind of gal and you can 't really cut it any closer than Death.
Most folks I meet really appreciate the opportunity, (even if they never thought they wanted it), to have an open conversation about what we do with bodies after the people who lived in them are gone.
We talked for maybe 10 minutes...asking questions and sharing experiences. Then they told me about being with a pet who died and whose body was at home for 24 hours before they took it to be cremated. And it was there...right there in the space between the words..."why is it so easy to do this for our animals and so complicated and surrounded by taboo to do this with our humans?"

I've been feeling some of the recognizable jitters and stresses of starting this new business of mine. How will it support me? Am I working hard enough to make it go? Is it ok to take the weekend off? And then here's this wonderful experience that, in the writing of it, shows me how integrated into my life this mission of mine is. I wasn't shirking my entrepreneurial duties...I was right there, being my mission in the world. And this conversation, about the animal friend just happens to coincide with me making burial shrouds this past week for people's pets. How's that for encouragement from the Universe? So I am mulling over the idea that our experiences of death with our animal friends can inspire differences in the ways we handle deaths of our humans. More on that later.
Time for turning in now...Thanks to those two women for their open friendly thoughtfulness.
Until next time...
~Marian

Remains to be Seen…”After the Fact” Fashions

2008-02-14T22:43:00.000-08:00

or…”What does the well dressed cadaver wear?”

I’ve always understood the function of ceremonial garments. I’ve designed many costumes for rituals, events and performances so it isn’t a great leap for me to imagine using a beautiful burial shroud to honor someone who has died.

I think of it as ceremonial wrapping for the dead.

Enveloping someone in a burial shroud with care and intention is like wrapping a precious gift before giving it.

My friend Mara was telling me last night about her sense, when actually enshrouding the body of a dear friend, of the very literal farewell. Bit by bit, as the fabric was wound around and covered more and more of the body, she was able to receive, kinesthetically, the death of her friend.

Wrapping a body in garments that are special and sacred for burial makes for deep conscious engagement in the grieving process.

Even without a shroud, there’s no reason a person couldn’t be dressed for the funeral by their friends or family in clothing intentionally chosen. Hey, be proactive! A forward-thinking person could commission a shroud in custom colors with personalized design elements! (I’m making my own!) Or just be like my grandma who put aside a favorite dress on a hanger in the closet and said ‘that’s for burying me in’. And they did~!

Look, we have christening gowns for babies, outfits for first communion, bar mitzvah, proms. Fashions for dance or sports, costumes for Halloween or Mardi Gras, professional uniforms, wedding clothes for brides and grooms, caps and gowns for graduates! But no culture of traditional clothing for the dead! Nor any tradition of actually dressing them.

We just bring a ‘suit of clothes’ to the funeral home and drop them off, leaving the details to the staff.

Where does it come from, the thought that it’s morbid or distasteful or somehow just inappropriately intimate to do this for someone we have loved? Is it more appropriate for a stranger to bathe (which implies, lets face it, seeing them naked) and dress them? To comb the hair, apply makeup, fasten the buttons, straighten the tie?

Maybe your answer is “Yes!” to this.

Ok.

And I appreciate the many caring people who do this with dignity and tenderness for people they don’t know.

I just have to keep asking the question.

Me, I want my circle to do this. People who remember how my hair looked, the way I liked to wear scarves, my favorite earrings. People who will sing or cry or crack a joke with the others there. People who will make me beautiful one last time…and then wrap and lace me into the shroud I’ve made, slowly and ceremonially, until my face and form are gone from sight. And weep and moan and giggle and wail and cheer and rail and sing and eat and toast me many times as I’m lowered into the ground.

And maybe someone will remember to say one last time…

Dahling, you look Maaahhhvelous!

~Marian

(Thanks to Yohanna for the title of this post!)

Death Happens

2008-02-03T20:39:00.000-08:00

It’s a fact that our culture seems positively wackoid about making sure that we don’t admit that death is a part of life. We just don’t get to see people…ordinary people…old people and sometimes even younger people…actually die anymore.

In fact some of you reading this will probably think I’m weird for even saying it! But that’s because, if you will remember, you and I live in a time and climate of extreme what? denial. ( oh, right...) And if our exposure to a dying person is limited, even moreso is our exposure to the body of someone who is actually dead.

We have an ungodly, unholy, unsubstantiated and unflattering phobia of the post mortal body. That is, the body after death.

It’s worth noting that it wasn’t always this way in the U.S.. It might surprise you to know that during the Victorian era, portraits of the dead were commonly made. These portraits ranged from a simple ( but startling to us) image of the deceased in their casket, to elaborately staged studio portraits. (a young woman, for instance, her hair elaborately arranged, dressed in yards of organza and lace and delicately posed on a bed full of flowers). There were even some instances where a family took advantage of this final opportunity and would actually prop the dead person up in a chair, with their eyes open, and pose all around them for one last family portrait!

I tell you this because it’s important to know that how we think about it is simply a matter of convention. Another way to say it is that it has gone ‘out of fashion’ to talk or think this way,
(or ANY way!), about death.

Most people used to die at home. This was just how it happened. Our elders- or sometimes not so elder folks- got ill or injured, were taken care of at home, faded, and eventually died right in their own beds. With people around. Children, grandchildren, neighbors, family members, pets, pastors, spiritual friends, local healers or doctors. Even if they'd been in a hospital, they came home to die.

It wasn’t morbid or unsanitary or inappropriate or disgusting to have someone at home who was in the process of dying. It wasn’t even always regarded as unfortunate! Sometimes it was seen as an honor!

It was natural.
It was inevitable.
…and although it was sad, it wasn’t somehow “WRONG”.

It was just…the way it was.
When people died, others were reminded of the cycles of life. Communities could then take the opportunity to grieve publicly, and to acknowledge together their sadness and loss. This is one very important function of death in a community. It gives the opportunity to grieve together…to cry in public, to wail, to mourn. It doesn’t even matter if all of your wailing and mourning isn’t solely for the person who died! It’s just that the opportunity-- the heart opening that occurs when someone dies-- is the perfect moment to unpack and release all the little griefs we carry around from all the little endings and deaths we experience every day just because we are alive.

I’ve just finished reading a book which takes place during the first half of the last century in Appalachia. (It's called Refuge by Dot Jackson). There were many deaths in the book, over the course of the main character’s life. Some were stillborn or infants, some children, some were young adults, some old people. They died of disease, accidents, injuries, crimes of passion. I was moved, reading the story, that nearly all of them died and were taken care of at home.

I felt love and respect and admiration for the way those people rose to each occasion, doing what was necessary, crying and grieving while they washed and cleaned and dug graves and stood vigil and held the close kin in the solid embrace of community. Reading it was a gift and a message to me. “Keep telling” it said. “There is something beautiful and terrible and deeply right about being present to death. Keep telling.”

I will.

Thanks for such wonderful comments. I’m so glad we’re talking about this!

~Marian

Denial About Death

2008-01-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

So…. where were we? Oh yes….DENIAL. We were In Denial. About Death.

Part of the problem, it seems to me, is that in our culture-especially in this relatively 'young' culture of this country called the United States, we've virtually eliminated our opportunities to see or touch or talk about a body of someone we love who has died. It's become "impolite". It's "morbid curiosity" , "unnatural", "taboo". It's a manufactured cultural No-No.

I think this is literally crazymaking.

As my younger friends might express it...WTF?? Everybody dies. No matter what you think, how healthy you are, how spiritually aware, how 'good', how rich, how well fed, how physically fit, the fact is that 99.9% of us are going to die. ( I leave that small margin of possibility for the immortalists among us)

Death is not a sudden malicious disease or an unprecedented evil predicament. It's what happens. You get born, you live, you die. And generally, you leave your dead body behind. ( another small margin for the ascensionists and magicians among us)

What's odd is that my parents’ generation were actually on a cusp, or turning point of a very large change in the way people cared for their dead. What I mean is, they had actual childhood experiences of home or family funerals. But as they grew up, the custom and social ritual around death was drastically changing. The funeral industry was making huge inroads toward redefining what was ‘good’ and ‘right’ and ‘appropriate’ and ‘safe’- in terms of handling the body of one of our loved ones after death. And don’t forget the power of advertising….the lure of doing something ’new and improved’.

And too, in some ways it seemed that my parents had the task of proving how much better off they were than their parents. This often meant that they could ‘afford’ to pay more money for “professionals” to handle things that were previously handled by their frugal (and sometimes wiser) parents.

My father recalls that his grandmother’s wake was a family affair, carried out at home. Her body was prepared ( washed and dressed) by the women of the family, a casket was procured from a local woodworker, food was organized and provided by family and neighbors and his grandmother was ‘laid out’ or ‘waked’ in the parlor. A touching detail he shared with me is that after everyone had gone home-leaving the kitchen and dishes all cleaned and put away-my father and his father got out blankets and pillows and made makeshift beds of chairs put together so that they could sleep in the parlor with his grandma in her casket.
There was no squeamishness, no fear. He said to me ‘That’s just how we did it”. And the next morning, folks came to carry the casket to the church for her funeral.

He’s always talked about ‘a plain pine box’ for himself, but we talked seriously about his own funeral arrangements last summer. He joked, at first, about wanting one of my burial shrouds but then made it clear to my brothers and I that we were to call the local funeral home and have them do “the same as they did for your mother”. The standard procedure. Embalming, limited viewing hours, a metal casket, a Catholic mass, and burial in the local veteran’s cemetery. I wanted to ask him ‘what happened to doing it all at home’? But it seemed like too loaded a question.
"What happened" is what I'll talk about in my next post.

Thanks for all your comments. and yes, as one of you said, this is a conversation *dying* to happen. I think we're all just 'dying' to talk about Death. Feel free to do that here.

~Marian

My Mission...should I choose to accept it.

2008-01-25T17:07:00.000-08:00

Hello. Welcome to Grave Natters...a place where you and I can think and talk about the way we think and talk about Death. Those of you in England will know this but for those who don't, "natter" means chat, talk, converse, etc. - and grave....well that's obvious.

My mission ( since I have chosen to accept it) is to;

Change the Way Western Culture Faces Death.

First of all, Western Culture in general doesn’t face death. We skirt the issue. We hate endings. We refuse to let go to age to fade away, to stop, to admit defeat, to “surrender” to Death. To Die.

Death Greg Palmer calls it ”The Trip of a Lifetime” ( check out his book and his public tv show exploring various cultural practices regarding death).

Being a child of the 60s I personally resonate with this way of seeing death. “The TRIP of a lifetime.” Indeed. -Makes it something to prepare for...to anticipate. Something to look forward to!!

Here’s a story I have about death. It might be similar to one that you have.

Eleven years ago, while my mom was in the process of dying from cancer, my father was doing a lot of things to keep her going…’keep her strength up’ “keep a good attitude’ “don’t give up’. He liked her to have lots of visitors and put it out that she wanted people to come and keep her company. The truth was that all this activity and forward motion was confusing to her. It seemed to me that she actually wanted to just let it all go, bit by bit.

She wanted long periods of silence. She wanted small tastes rather than big meals to eat. She wanted someone to sit with her, hold her hand or even lie on the bed and spoon her…cradle her. Not do a lot of talking.

She was cold.
She was achy.
She was a little confused.
She was in pain.

And then, every once in a while she’d open her eyes and crack a joke! Or make a very shrewd observation about someone or some situation. (she was always known for that anyway..) Or initiate a “project” (well, at least talk about one).
But these bursts of energy were just that. Short bursts. She was dying and she knew it , I knew it, but it seemed like my father didn’t.

At one point my mom wanted me to talk to my father about limiting the number of her visitors. She hated the idea of having to somehow ‘entertain’ them, or to always be ‘ready’ for them. They came at their own schedule, not hers and it was hard on her, thinking that they might arrive at any time.

So one day I said to my father that my mother needed more silence. That she was in a deep period of reflection. I said I’d spent most of my adult life exploring deep states of consciousness and that it seemed to me that she was IN one. I said;

“Dad, Mom needs more quiet reflective time and less excitement and visitors. She’s in the middle of one of the most important, deep, spiritual experiences of her life.” I felt so wise and helpful. I thought I'd explained it so well! He'd get it and change accordingly. What happened was that he looked at me with disdain and disbelief and, shaking his head, he opened his mouth and said;

“No she isn’t!”

(He said it like, ‘What?! How did you ever come up with THAT idea? ‘)

Well, I was a bit taken aback, but it also let me know what I was dealing with.

In a word, it was DENIAL.

It did stop me short, there. I had to take a good look at it, past my anger and incredulity (inside of which there was some denial of my own...). I had to really see where he was coming from.

Denial. Yup. That was it. A classic case. Not his fault. Culturally supported denial of Death. And I already knew from personal experience that a person in denial will deny that they are in denial. So really, there wasn't much to say to him in that moment. I just had a lot to sit with.

I'll talk more on this in my next post. I'm glad you're here. Feel free to share your own thoughts. I might not answer every one but I'll read them all for sure.

Blessings.....~Marian